a lesson on giving in

I've had to give in on a few things recently. Walking without waddling, having an unstained shirt over my belly, wearing pants that aren't elastic at the waist..... Things that a person doesn't think they'll ever give in on. Pregnancy is sort of a lesson on giving in. The amazing thing is that everything gets easier once you give up. I had been losing sleep, not able to get comfortable and fighting the fact that I have to pee every 2 hours. I would toss and turn, getting more upset that I'm tossing and turning. Last week, my midwife looked me straight in the eye, and told me to let go. Stop trying to sleep through the night; it's not going to happen. Embrace the fact that you will get up, and enjoy it. Just get up, stop fighting it. Since then, my sleep has been infinitely better. I still get up, I'm still tired in the morning, but I let go of the anger. It's to have that gone.

Today I had a little freak out/mild panic attack over my inability to find a parking spot while late for a work event. It was so unbelievable that I just started crying while talking to the parking attendant. He let me out of the ramp wihtout paying, but it made me feel like a complete fool. When did I beome the crazy pregnant lady? I really wasn't expecting that. It reminded me that I need to slow down. Take it easy. One day, one step, one breath at a time. If all of the yoga I've been practicing has taught me anything, it's that finding your breath and staying with it, just following it in and out, can be the most refreshing and centering experience. Next time, I have to remember to find my breath and calm the hell down prior to freaking out. Or maybe I should just stick to the bus.

pupper of the week

I had an intense dream about my mom's old house last night, so I thought the pupper should be shown enjoying herself there. It's funny how even though you can hardly see the background of the room here, I immediately know exactly where it is. The house you grew up in stays with you that way. At least, it has so far.

the original plan

When I first told my work about my pregnancy back in October, I thought I had it all figured out. My due date was March 17th, and I'm legally allowed 12 weeks unpaid leave. This worked perfectly, since 12 weeks would mean I would be out through the first week of June, coinciding with Dave's summer vacation which begins June 9th. It didn't occur to me then that I would have to be at work until 3 days before my due date. I didn't realize how much I would want to sleep in, and how tired I would be in the afternoons. I didn't realize it would make me angry to wake up in the morning feeling rested, go to work for 8 hours and come home exhausted, feeling like the best part of my day was spent in my office instead of with my husband. I'm still holding out, planning to be working for 2 and a half more weeks. I want as much of my leave as possible to be with the baby. But man, what I wouldn't give for a sick day or a holiday right about now. Maybe I could take a mental health day for daylight savings time?

finished (sort of)

I finished the bag that I started on Friday. Well, mostly finished. I sewed up all of the pieces last night, and think the bag is great. I love the cable pattern across the top of the bag, but I especially love the pattern along the strap. The bag is the perfect length for over the shoulder or across the chest.

Details -
Pattern: Tasha on Knitty
Yarn: Rowan Magpie in truffle
Needles: Size 7 Crystal Palace - they're inexpensive, but they're my favorite needles
Gauge: unknown
Modifications: None yet (see below)

I think the wool will hold up well, but it's nowhere near as sturdy as the denim the bag was designed with. I would have loved to knit the bag in denim, but my pocketbook couldn't take the hit, and I had this beautiful yarn from my sister in law. It will definitely stretch, which is why I'm thinking of a few modifications.

First, there are no pockets. It definitely needs a pocket, or I will never find my wallet inside. I was thinking about a kangaroo pocket at first, but I've decided I would prefer just a little side pocket on the inside.

I plan to use this bag for knitting and purse functions, so it'll contain keys, wallet, sunglasses and a random assortment of knitting. The problem with knit bags holding my knitting is that the needles always poke through. I was having trouble with this already this morning, so I'm planning to toss my stash of fabric this afternoon and see if I have something suitable for a lining. That would make the pocket question moot, and I could just sew a pocket into the lining. That might be nice. I was thinking a shimmery purple silk floral pattern. I know I don't have that in my stash, so maybe I'll stop at the Savers on the way home and see if they've got anything for me.

I'm really happy with this project, and while I used to shy away from complicated cables, this one was fun. I had to rip back the strap 3 or 4 times when I missed a cable round, but for the most part, it was extremely enjoyable. I think the main reason I never liked cabling was because it takes longer than regular knitting, but these days I knit a lot faster than I used to, and I don't mind the extra time for something decorative.

I'm putting something in the mail to a friend today, which I will show you once I know that he's received it. Here's a teaser photo (have I mentioned recently that I love my camera? I never used to be able to take close ups!)

T minus 3 weeks

Pregnancy is in full swing, and I felt great this weekend. Perhaps it was the charm of a short week last week (Monday holiday and working from home Friday), or maybe it was just the fun I had hanging out all day Saturday with Dave as we rearranged the guest room - and when I say "we", I mean "him". We sold some furniture, got some new furniture, repainted the walls, and Dave has a cool idea for a ceiling painting. I love that while Dave rarely paints on canvas these days, he's able to use the walls and ceilings in our house to create beautiful projects. The guest room has been a formal guest room since we moved in, with a big double bed and a mirrored dressing table. This weekend, we said goodbye to all that and moved in a futon. Dave will start seeds up there, and we're talking about moving my sewing space in as well. I'm looking forward to a room that we actually use, instead of one that that cats hang out in. Plus, the best part is that we can still have friends or family stay over, and I'll bet the futon is more comfortable than the guest bed ever was.

Babycenter.com reports that the baby is roughly 19 inches, or the length of a stalk of Swiss chard. That's helpful, but I've begun to doubt the predictions from babycenter. If the baby is already over 6 pounds and 19 inches, then what am I waiting the next three weeks for? I really should turn back to the books that I enjoyed so much at the beginning of the pregnancy. They too go week by week with updates, but I haven't picked them up since some time in the mid 2nd trimester. I've been relying on these online sources instead, and it would probably do some good to go back to the books.

I've been reading fiction instead. I just finished Lady in the Lake by Raymond Chandler, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I have read a few of his books, and this one was no disappointment. Thanks to Dave, I picked up the Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood again, and was a little dismayed to be reminded how long it is. I don't expect to have too much reading time this spring, so I might put this one back on the shelf for now and pick up something a little shorter.

For now, I'm planning for 3 more weeks of work, and continuing to get things ready at home. There has been a rush to get everything all prepared by 36 weeks, so there's little left to do. I've got the birth announcements addressed and stamped, just waiting for name, date, and weight to be filled in. The birth supplies are all ready, except for a few little things we need to pick up at the drug store and grocery store. Everything has fallen mostly into place, and while I keep telling people it could be "any day now" there's been no indication that the baby will show up in February.

That reminds me of a phrase that I need people to stop saying. "You look like you're ready to pop!" Seriously? What am I - a water balloon? Are you concerned about your shoes? Stand back, she could blow at any time! I think it's a weird and slightly gross thing to say, and I wish that strangers did not feel the need to state it. My belly isn't about to blow open, showering spectators with goo. If that was how birth actually happened, I bet maternity leave would start a lot sooner.

a work in progress

I never get around to posting about my knitting works in progress, mostly because I forget that we have a camera until they're already completed. I tend to knit pretty quickly, and my recent projects have been small. I want to be sure I'll be able to finish it once I start, so most things aren't going past the 2 -3 day mark.

Friday night, I began this bag using Rowan Magpie (which I'm not finding on their website so it must be discontinued). My sister in law gave it to me for my birthday, and it's a nice purple-y brown color. I've got the front, back, side and bottom panels complete, now just working away on the strap.

I want to have a long strap, so the bag will sit on my hip while it's over my shoulder. I measured the strap on one of our favorite over-the-shoulder bags, and it's 42". That seems extremely long to me, but I'm going to knit that far and see how it feels. I love, love, love the cable pattern on the strap, so I have no problem doing a little extra, even if I don't use it.

Hope to sew it up tonight. It never occurred to me to make a bag before, and I've been hauling around the same green and frilly purple felted thing that I made 5 years ago, and never really liked. This suits me much better, and I can't wait to have it complete.

report

The midwives came, the midwives went. All clear for home birth.

There was touring the house. There was talking about herbs and fruit soup. There was rolling on the floor laughing. There was the introduction to the pets. There was an inventory of the birth supplies, and there was the regular ol' check up of the Laura. I'm measuring 34 cm, right on schedule for growth (not three extra inches, as I expected). Baby remains head down and feet up, exactly where we want it to be. Heart rate steady in the 130s, continuing to perpetuate my belief that I'm carrying a little boy (apologies to my future daughter in the case that's untrue). Discussion of some options for belly painting and body art - the washable markers worked, but faded very quickly. We'll try that again this weekend.

And last, after they left, in the silence that settled, there was fear. I was suddenly afraid. It all became real. I knew that moment would hit, that "oh my god, I'm having a baby" moment. I guess I thought it would only come during labor, once the process had begun and I realized there was an exit strategy and what that actually meant. But instead, I'm struck by it now, weeks from the birth. I think it was because it was here, in our home. Dave and I looking at each other after they'd gone and realizing it was going to happen here. At our house. Maybe in the bathroom or the bedroom or even the kitchen, but either way, it would be here.

I'm a little surprised at myself, and a little disappointed. I'm not changing my mind, I still feel absolutely confident with the home-birth thing. I think this is more about birth in general, not location. That fear is a little twinge in the back of my head, a little chink in the mama armor I thought I had built. At least I've got some time to mull it over and work it out.

pupper of the week

Irene is ready for the weekend, and so am I. Looking forward to some warmer weather!

not something to complain about

I took a little knitting break, but I'm back at it. I've finished two new baby hats in the past week, both from the same skein of sock yarn. I would be lying if I said I knew the brand or color. I don't. The first, modeled here by Nammers (Dave's stuffed lamb from when he was wee) was done on size 3 needles and took me forever to knit.

I wasn't sure about the color, and had been hoping that there would be more green, blue, and yellow than purple. The purple is the most prominent, though, so I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that if we're having a boy he's going to wear a purple hat sometimes. Not really the worst thing in the world, but something to consider.

Dave told me he liked it, though, and said the color range reminded him of a ripening eggplant. Eggplants can be manly, right?

I did the second hat on size 5s, with the yarn held double. This one is adorable, and I can't wait to knit more in the same style at the baby grows.

(this hat modeled by a lamb who is not Nammers, but looks a lot like Nammers).

Dave has a few hats with this simple K2P2 ribbing, and I personally think it's one of the most comfortable hats to wear. Plus, the ribbing is really stretchy, so the hat will fit the baby a little longer than the stockinette ones.

Lastly, Sheldon!


Sadly, Sheldon was not created for our baby, but for another. Dave has a friend who is due a few weeks after me, and I'm trying to stay ahead of schedule on these baby gifts. While I would love to think that I will have nothing but time to knit those first few weeks after the birth, I know deep down that my spare time will be spent sleeping and showering, not knitting.

This is the 3rd turtle I've made, and I love this pattern. I particularly love the i-cord around the top of the shell. It's a nice finishing touch, and it's really fun to make. The best part about Sheldon, though, is that he's not shy at all:

He comes right out of his shell if you need him to. This cracks me up every time I see it. The little turtle legs, all floppy. The shell sitting there, discarded. This is a great pattern. Kudos to Ruth for coming up with it!

they say

They say you labor more like your sister than like your mother. But really, who are these people and how do they know?

My sister carried her baby a few days past her due date (I think) and then was medically induced.

My sister arrived 4 days before her due date.
My brother arrived 3 days after his due date.
I arrived 2 weeks early, after a few weeks of false labor.

My grandmother did not carry any of her 9 babies to 9 months. Most of them were born around 8 months and 1 - 2 weeks.

Chalk it up to miscalculation, chalk it up to genetics, but it doesn't look like this baby is coming early. I've been fine with that. No, really, I have been expecting to carry it all the way through 42 weeks and go through 30 hours of labor, if that what it takes. I've been saying that for months. But now? Here? At 36 weeks? I imagine 6 more weeks and I'm not so optimistic. I don't think I can do it. I know I should remember to take it one day at a time, not get overwhelmed with how much time is left in the pregnancy, but more and more I'm feeling like I'd like the babe to come a little early. Just a little early, like the week before the due date. Or heck, on the due date. But not late.

My belly feels like it has grown exponentially in the last weeks. I can't wait for our midwives to measure me tomorrow because I'm certain there will be a huge change from last time. At this rate of growth, I will be tipping over by the time the baby is due. Dave will be pushing me around in a wheelbarrow. I know I've had it easy, I know I've been lucky. I'm grateful for 8 months of not-so-bad. I know this is the last month, the home stretch (ha!), the end of the road. But seriously. I'm huge. My shirts don't come down to meet my pants anymore, and even my sweat pants are revolting, refusing to stay up. I thought this pregnancy thing was supposed to be easy! Come on!

36 weeks, and not feeling like posting

This weekend was awesome. I had Friday and Monday off, and for the most part, got to do everything I wanted. On Friday I celebrated my 26th year with breakfast at the Birchwood, a massage at Blooma, and a fun trip to the Electric Fetus to buy the new Brenda Weiler CD and the new-ish Indigo Girls. Saturday I lounged in my PJs, slept in, took a nap, and felt generally rested. Sunday I went to yoga, but for the most part bummed around. Seeing a theme here? My energy levels are low low low, and all I really want to do is nap. And when I don't nap, I get grumpy in the evenings.

I spent most of yesterday thinking "only 3 more weeks of work! then I can stay in my pajamas all day!" When I got to my desk this morning and looked at my calendar, I realized that I actually have to be at work for 4 more weeks, and for some reason that realization was crushing. I'm tired of working. So, so tired. I wish I could be off, hanging around the house, knitting and napping at my leisure. It was so nice to have a four day weekend, to be rested and happy, and to know that I won't have any more time off until I'm on maternity leave. I'm trying to conjure a way I can work from home one day a week, or maybe just take off a week early. I'm totally ready to be done.

Babycenter.com told me today that the baby is probably around 6 pounds right now, the size of a crenshaw melon. I'm not even going to try on that one. I have no idea what a crenshaw melon is. I'm also beginning to doubt the weight estimates. My sister's little boy came out at 40 weeks weight 6 pounds 10 oz. With 4 more weeks to go, I'm kind of hoping the baby isn't already 6 pounds since that would mean he/she would continue to pack on the weight for another few weeks, and I might be delivering a 10 pound baby. Which really? Let's face it - that's the weight of a bowling ball.

I think the baby has started to drop down. The kicks are still coming regularly, but they're not so far up in my ribcage. I'm having an easier time taking a deep breath, and my belly in general just seems to be a little lower. At the end of this week the pregnancy will be term and we'll have the green light for a home birth from now through 42 weeks. We've got the birth supplies all ready to go, and our midwives (and doula!) will visit our home this week to see the sights and make sure everything is in order. It's all happening quickly, and when I look at the big picture I know that there is very little time left to wait. But then I look at the little picture, and I think about how nice it would be to be lying on the couch right now, sipping a cup of raspberry leaf tea. 27 days to due date, and counting down.

pupper of the week

I love this video. It's only 4 seconds long, but the end of it is Irene knocking me over into the snow. She may hate the cold, but every now and again she shows enthusiasm for the snow.

sleepy

Just over 4 weeks to go until the due date on this pregnancy, and the fatigue has returned as well. I'm dragging in the evenings, and struggling to find the energy to get up early in the morning. I feel like that grumbly teenager who just wants to roll over, hit the alarm, and snooze until noon. When I do get my butt downstairs, I barely mumble anything to Dave before he's gone, and then I seriously consider going back to bed. Being a night shower-er, there's really very little to keep me from switching back to my pjs and climbing back under the covers. There's just that pesky job I have to go to, but there are days when I consider "working from home" instead of getting to the office at 7:30.

I'm definitely looking forward to a long (birthday!) weekend, with a holiday on Monday to boot. Sleeping doesn't fix the sleepy problem, but it does make me a little more cheerful.

what to expect

35 weeks! The baby weighs as much as a honeydew melon this week, and I think that's just lovely. Babycenter.com tells me there's more baby than fluid in my uterus right now, so things must be getting tight. The kicking has been near constant the last 3 days, and baby has finally given me a break this morning. Still a few kicks, but not the constant barrage from this weekend.

Two people today gave me a waving finger and warning that they went into labor a month early and I should be prepared. I love that those warnings always come with "make sure your hospital bag is packed" and the like. Ha! No hospital bag! Thanks to Dave, we've got all of our birth supplies arranged, and I am feeling good as ever. I honestly don't think I'll go early. The baby is still high up, and there's no indication of labor at this point. I do plan to have everything at work ready for my leave at the end of next week. I'm not naive enough to think I can be in charge of the birth, but I do have hope that I will go at least 40 weeks.

I picked up Pushed at the library on Friday, and haven't set it down since. I know that most people would be a little wary to read something with the tagline "the painful truth about childbirth and modern maternity care" while pregnant, but I've really enjoyed this book. It provides tons of well researched information, and completely reaffirms for me that Dave and I are doing the right thing in choosing a home birth. There are some scary statistics in this book, so I'm sure it's not for everyone. Most of the information about the decline of our maternity system in the United States, the climbing cesarean rate, and the prevalence of such interventions as medical induction and episiotomy I have read and heard of before. It's a timely read, though, since the ACOG just last week issued a press release reiterating their stance against home birth. I enjoyed Gail's comments here, and believe she says it best. I'm off to enjoy the blog at jenniferblock.com, to see what I can see!

overheard

Yesterday, Dave and I finally got a chance to go over to Peapods and buy diapers and the mattress we wanted. We got the Kissaluvs contoured ones, mostly because they seemed super nice, durable, and weren't quite as expensive as the custom fitted ones.

While we were there, we witnessed a hilarious interaction between a husband/wife team and the store clerk. While standing next to the diapers, we heard the man from this couple say all of the following:
"My wife brought me here because she wants me to wash my clothes with poop."
"I love the environment, but I love my kid more."
"I do the laundry, and I don't want to be looking at skid marks!"

The woman was clearly embarrassed, trying to get him to lower his voice. He continued to elaborate about poop and skid marks, raising his voice more and more. Needless to say, they left the store without purchasing anything, but Dave and I could not stop laughing. We've been repeating his comments all day, and they still make me laugh out loud.

it's baaaaack

The heartburn is back. Who knew? I've been wandering around all day yesterday and today thinking, "I think I'm going to puke. I have a feeling in my throat that I'm about to puke." Someone asked me whether or not I had any of that third trimester heartburn, and it all clicked into place. Having never had heartburn prior to pregnancy, it's still a new enough feeling that I forgot what it was. It explains why I didn't really enjoy the delicious calzones I made yesterday (mozz, artichoke, and onion) and why every time Dave has suggested stir-fry in the past two weeks I've acted like I didn't hear him. Now if only I had some Tums with me, I could enjoy the rest of my afternoon!

pupper of the week

There may not be room on my lap, but if I lay on my side, the pupper can sit up on the couch with me. Right on top of the baby. She's been getting way too much couch time lately, what with both Dave and I being under the weather and with no one really caring enough to enforce the no-dog-on-furniture rule. I keep telling her she's just keeping the spot warm and in a few weeks there will be a baby on the couch and a dog on the floor, but she doesn't seem to mind. She's just excited about all the baby toes she's going to get to lick.

leaving

Dave and I are still working out what will happen with our jobs once the baby arrives. We know that I will take my allotted 12 weeks away from work. We know that he will be home this summer full time. We don't know what will happen in the fall.

I've started looking into child care resources, and I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I don't even have the baby yet, and I'm struggling with figuring out how to leave him/her in someone else's care while Dave and I slave away at jobs that we don't really enjoy. There's a great program at the local YWCA, but the cost is so out of this world that one of us would have to take a second job just to pay for it.

It's no secret that the United States doesn't treat new parents very well, but I was surprised to learn that there are only two industrialized countries in the world that don't provide paid leave for new mothers: the United States and Australia. Australia mothers are a little better off though, since they provide one year of job-protected leave. Our country only mandates 12 weeks.

In Canada you can have 17 weeks of maternity leave and 35 weeks of "parental" leave for each parent. Paid.
In Hungary you get 24 weeks maternity and then childrearing leave up to the child's 3rd birthday. 70% of your salary.
Italy gives you 5 months maternity leave including 1 month pre-birth, along with an additional 10 months parental leave all at 80% of your salary. Any unused leave can be taken until the child's 9th birthday.
In Norway you can have 52 weeks parental leave at 80% of your salary, or 42 weeks at 100%.
The United Kingdom grants 18 weeks of paid maternity leave, plus an additional 11 weeks for women who've worked at least one year with the employer.
Sweden has full parental leave until the child is 18 months old and includes adoption. Maternity leave begins as early as 60 days prior to the due date, all of it paid.

And the United States? 12 weeks leave. Unpaid. And it's sort of unsaid, but you're expected to work right up until you have the damn baby. If things go as planned, I will be at work when I am 39.9 weeks pregnant.

It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me wish that our circumstances were completely different, and we could both plan to be home for the first year. There are plenty of ways that we can and will simplify our lives. We'll cut back, maybe sell the car, change our habits. The awful truth is that we will probably both have to work. Maybe one of us can be part time, and maybe in a few years one of us can work from home or be home full time. But for now? There's just no way to manage it. And it makes me sad.

baby things

It's hard not to get sucked into the whirlwind of consuming when you're pregnant. With big box super stores out there, a person may start to think that baby comes with some assembly required. Besides the obvious big ticket items (crib, changing table, car seat, stroller) there are hundreds of thousands of little things that a person can pick up. Most of it seems practical, but when it comes down to it, who knows what we'll actually use?

Dave and I have been fairly good about what we've bought and what we've left at the store. Many of the clothes and everyday use items are second hand, either purchased a thrift stores or hand-me-downs from friends. Growing up in a home daycare, I feel a strong urge to put things away, have things out of sight. Clutter disturbs me, though Dave would probably laugh to hear that. The sections of the house that I think of as mine are always left to piling. The yarn, the sewing supplies, the books. I don't organize, I pile. Sometimes I put things in drawers at random, but for the most part I leave them out in the open and then act surprised when the cat drags them around the house. We've found spaces that work for this purpose, baskets of yarn inside of closets, a bookshelf that is designated to be random things that I put down and can't find later. For the most part, my clutter is contained.

Dave is the exact opposite. He always, always cleans up after himself. Always. The book he's reading? Back on the shelf. The records he was playing? Either in the "now playing" box, or put back into the lineup. Important papers always filled out in a timely fashion and filed away. Sweaters hung up, towels where they belong. The only thing he doesn't put away is socks, and honestly, who can complain? Having a husband who is extraordinarily tidy I think the least I can do is ignore the socks lying around the house. Besides - they're all rolled up in little balls, not strewn about all untidy like.

The baby, I think, will change things. Babies come with stuff. Bibs, rags, socks, hats. Things that fall off or get thrown. I don't know how our house will look 6 months from now, but I picture things strewn all about, the dog and cat sneaking away with toys and clothing as the baby discards them. Our feeble attempts to "tidy up" will be stuffing everything in a closet and hoping no one peeks inside. I'm looking forward to it. I think it's going to be fun for me, the baby, and for the pets. I think Dave will adapt too, he's normally a little less tidy-minded in the summer. Or maybe, if I'm lucky, the kid will inherit the Dave-clean-up gene. Every time we finish playing with a toy or reading a book, back on the shelf it will go. A place for everything and everything in its place, right? Elaborate filing and shelving systems, all dedicated to being the tidiest baby on the block. I have a lot of hopes for our unborn child, and many of them are that he or she will inherit things from Dave - his beautiful blue eyes, his passion for learning and reading, his dedication to nature. Maybe the tidy gene, too. A girl can hope, can't she?

back at it

The sickness is still lingering, but the worst of it is gone. I no longer have any excuse, I'm back at work.

The baby weighs 4 and 3/4 pounds this week (week 34!), about the same as a cantaloupe. The countdown is serious now, only 6 weeks to go. Maybe Punxsatawney Phil was talking about me on Saturday when he predicted 6 more weeks of winter. I didn't realize that my due date coincides almost exactly with the beginning of spring. What a perfect time. Those first buds on the trees will have a totally new signifcance this year, as nature starts to wake up and bring new life, I'll be planning to do the same.

I got a good amount of knitting done during my stay on the couch, but no photos yet. Right now, I'm wading through emails and voicemails - who knew being absent from work for 3 days would create such a backlog? I don't know how exactly they'll do without me when I go on leave, but it's the least of my concerns. Right now, I've got a cantaloupe to take care of!