Thursday, March 20, 2008

with baby in lap

I found a comfortable position for typing, so I'm hoping that August will give me a few minutes to put down some very important things.

We're both healthy and taking it one breath at a time. I was full of energy for the first 24 hours after the birth, going up and down stairs, in and out of chairs and bed with ease. I've slowed down since then, with a warning midwife asking me to keep the stairs to once down and once up each day. My body is sore, and not just where you'd expect it to be. My neck is sore, my muscles ache. I remember someone telling me that I signed up for a marathon and then found out halfway through that it was actually a mountain climb. We reached the top and came back down, and now it's time to recover.

Emotionally, things are tricky. I knew an emotional let down was expected after the birth of a baby, with all those endorphins and adrenaline running, you can't help by come down from that. Usually that coming down is buoyed by your beautiful new child, and it is for me too. But it's also met with grief and sadness and uncertainty about the future. When I think about Gus and how much Paul had to teach him, sometimes it's just overwhelming. That's why we're taking it one breath, one step, one day at a time. That's all anyone can ask us to do.

Still, despite it all, I think that having this baby boy is the most amazing thing I have ever done. There was only once when my certainty wavered, when I wanted to give up, when I thought about just throwing in the towel. Thanks to Dave, and thanks to the awesome midwives we chose, I didn't do that. How Dave has managed to stay on his feet through the whole labor and now through these first few days is beyond me. He's fetching me food, he's doing the laundry, he barely has a second to breathe and take time for himself. I'm grateful to all of the friends and family and neighbors who are here to help. We certainly need you, now more than I had ever expected.

The camera isn't out as much as I had thought it would be. I'll be sure to take some shots of his gorgeous face today.

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