Monday, March 24, 2008

one breath

We're laughing, rolling on the floor, telling the story of the time Dave and Paul were chased by a UFO off of a frozen lake at night when they were just kids, and in the next breath I'm sobbing, thinking about Paul last Christmas, teasing Andy for not being tough enough to keep tromping up the sledding hill.

I had no idea that my heart could be so full of joy for the little person who's sitting in my lap. I keep telling Dave that I didn't realize I was a puzzle, and then a piece fell into place and it was like it had been missing my whole life.

I had no idea that my heard could be full of so much pain at the same time. There are times when I can't even picture Paul's face, the agony of it just takes over and I'm wracked with sobs.

I tell people that we're taking it one day, one hour, one breath at a time. I'm barely doing that, though. Friends have been so amazing, bringing food and coming to visit - it fills the empty spaces and when I'm on my best behavior it's easier to push the grief to the back and celebrate the happiness that is baby Gus. He is so much happiness. He's beautiful, he's healthy, he feeds like a champ and sometimes breathes like Darth Vader. We're going to make it through this, the three of us together. Sometimes it's just so hard to see what the next step is.

Dave is back at work today, and I'm doing really well. Gus and I had an awesome sleep last night, mostly 3 hour chunks at a time. I'm worried about Dave, though. Out there with all the strangers who have no idea how much pain he's in, so they don't know to be careful and sensitive with their words. At least here, at home, the only people I have to see are the ones I let in the door, so I know they'll be gentle.

One day at a time, though. Today's Monday. I don't have to get through Saturday today. Just Monday. And I have a sweet smelling little munchkin to help me.


Catherine said...

(We must be on the same "schedule" since you tend to post in the morning just when I'm sipping my OJ and catching up on my blog reading! Great timing...) :)

Gus is amazing. Keep the photos coming. You're all doing great too. It really sounds like you've got a handle on it, even though you don't feel like it all the time. I'll be thinking of Dave today too - you're so right about the outside world - but also you and Gus. Don't forget to call me if it gets overwhelming! There are lots of ups and downs with newborns for the first few weeks, even when there isn't a family tragedy to add to the mix. You're doing absolutely awesome though...all three of you are rock stars.

Krista said...

You are so strong. I am so proud of you. Keep your little family close right is like waves. They will pull back eventually.

Bonnie said...

Hello Laura,

I know I havn't talked to you in a really long time but I wanted to extend my congratulations on your beautiful son and to extend my sympathies on your tragic loss.

I wish I had empowering phrases to send out to you, but I don't. . you are in my thoughts.

p.s. I got to your blog through Catherine's.