blink

I blink awake and see Dave, eyes just barely open, a smile on his face. For a moment we're in a time warp, and there's just us - smiling at each other in the afternoon light. A stolen nap, just the two of us curled together. The baby starts to fuss and we're drawn back into the present. Time speeds up and it's 11:00 before we have another chance to look at one another.

In the middle of the night, with Gus sucking away doing an alternating impression of Darth Vadar and a very determined but small piglet, I look over at Dave. He's asleep, his face is fixed in a scowl. I wonder if he's actually getting any rest, or if he's stuck in that half asleep/half awake state where we spend so much time.

This is so unfair. My husband, my super man, is so undeserving of this pain. He wanted babies 5 years ago, but he put his time line on hold and waited until I finally said "I'm ready." He went to every prenatal appointment, he made sure I ate extremely well through pregnancy, he walked me to yoga when I didn't want to go. He kept me motivated to go swimming on a regular basis. He was there for every minute of the labor. He didn't leave my side, even on the second night when he so badly needed sleep.

The only thing Dave had planned for the month of April was hanging out with baby and me. That's changed now. He's been cooking us food, doing all the laundry (including diapers on a daily basis) and getting up for midnight changings and feedings. He says he's not sleeping so he doesn't mind getting up, but I hate to wake him and try to be as quiet as possible - impossible with the snorting piglet. He's so worried about me, about my ability to cope with new motherhood at the same time as all this. I'm worried about him, that he's taken up so much with all his responsibility that he won't have a chance to bond with the kid-o and spend the time that he wants to spend when Gus is so little.

But then, there are moments like this one.

Moments where, despite everything, I know this little family is going to be amazing. And Gus is going to take us places we never would have dreamed. Dave is already a super dad, and he's only been doing it for two weeks. I'm so lucky I get to be a parent with him. He is amazing.