hardest yet

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had so far. It felt like I wasn't able to stop crying for hours, on and off. Dave and I went down to his mother's house, and we brought Gus with us. It's so hard to get all packed up to leave the house, it's stressful to get in the car and leave the neighborhood. It was so difficult to be with Dave's family at his mom's house, feeling this emptiness where Paul used to be. He was always stopping by when we were there, so it was hard to know that he wasn't about to walk in the door.

Gus is doing great, nursing like a champ. I was telling him yesterday that we don't have to be okay yet. It's alright if we just hang out. hole up, and stay put for awhile. I have to keep telling myself he isn't even 2 weeks old yet. Most folks aren't doing half the things I've been doing. Dave wants me to take it easier, and he's right. I was having chest pain yesterday, and I've also been having severe headaches everyday. I keep trying to diagnose myself - is it just the stress? Is it the hormones? Am I not getting enough to eat? Is it because my sleep is interrupted? The truth is that it's probably all of those things, and they contribute to an overall feeling of ick. Today we're chilling in the bedroom, and I plan to sleep once he goes back to sleep. All the books say to do that, but none of the books take into account the death of a loved one two days before the birth of your baby. Nobody's written the book on that yet, so I'm forging new territory.

I feel like I have to be doing everything, taking care of everyone. We still have a stocked fridge thanks to friends, but little things like cleaning up and doing the laundry - I feel like I have to be in charge. Dave is great, he doesn't mind doing all of those things, but I don't want him to be any more stressed out than he has to be. I know I can't take care of everyone, but it's hard to feel helpless when your spouse needs you. It's the little things I can control, so it's those that I try to do. I'm renewing my attempt to take it easy though. At least until the babe is 2 weeks old.