catching up

Oh, poor forgotten blog.

I have not had time for writing about what's going on in our life right now. I often think of how much I'd like to be recording it, but with the business, the baby, and the toddler, there's no time.

Here's the briefest of updates:

I feel like we've really hit our stride in the last few weeks. The first 2 months of Nova's life we all had it pretty tough. Dave was working constantly at the store, I was still getting the hang of having two-at-once (one of whom has a nasty habit of pouncing on the smaller one) and Gus was not sleeping. Then all of a sudden: big improvement. Gus's vocabulary exploded, and Nova got past those first 6 weeks of newborn-ness. Now that Gus is able to express himself, we're all a little less frustrated. He can make his desires known, he can use words when he's frustrated, and he can understand more when we aren't letting him have what it is he wants. His sleep patterns returned to what they were before the baby was born, and things have been great for Gus. We've moved past board books and he will now sit for most of an hour reading books to himself, or sitting while we read to him. Just today at the thrift store, I picked up 10 new books, and yesterday at the library, 5. He loves reading, he loves talking, he is amazing and I can't believe how much he's turned into a little boy in just a few short weeks. A quick list of some of the words Gus knows:

walk, dog, leash, outside, inside, up, down, eat, food, drink, milk, juice, water, potato, tomato, cheese, cottage cheese, sauce, fork, spoon, cup, plate, bowl, coffee, beer, ding, floor, wall, stove, hot, on, off, light, steps, couch, chair, baby, dinosaur, book, read, sit, nap, sleep, bottle, window, car, truck, go, bike, helicopter, airplane, honk, vroom, sneeze, slide, climb, sand box, throw, hit, no, cry, momma, poppa, blanket, tools, fix, break, wash, wipe, bath, boat, moon, head, hair, nose, mouth, teeth, brush, eyes, ears, fingers, hands, arms, elbow, belly, leg, knee, toes, foot, hug, run, kick, jump, pants, clothes, shirt, Gus, hat, socks, shoes, boots, potty, bed, train, ball, cookies, cheese, pizza, pasta, orange, banana, berries, apple, grapes, peas, flowers, frog, watering can, tree, cow, duck, goose, chicken, pig, sheep, turkey, goat, cat, dog, bird, fish, zebra, monkey, giraffe, elephant, fox, lion, squirrel, rhinoceros, bear,

the list could go on and on and on. He knows many more words than this, but I cannot list them all. So far as I know, that's pretty advanced for a little guy who is not quite 18 months. I continue to be impressed with how bright he is and how much he loves to talk. Dave often says that he'll miss the babbling, the one word sentences, or the constant monologue - often we're in the car and it's quiet and Gus will pipe up, "Cow. moo moo!" or the name of someone we've just seen or a place we've just been. I know that monologue will be internalized someday, and I'll miss knowing exactly what he's thinking about.

And then there's the bee. I haven't had any time to write about what an absolute angel she is. I took time this afternoon because I couldn't help it - we're moving Gus's nap to the afternoon, and I knew I'd be alone here today to try to get him to go down. Previously Dave and I were doing naptime together in the morning, so someone could watch her and the other could put Gus down. I knew in order to rock Gus for his nap, I'd have to have a sleeping baby. Maybe she's reading my mind. At 12:30, I put her in her bassinet. She stuck her thumb in her mouth and was asleep in just a few minutes. She's still sleeping now, and that's one the amazing things about her. I never would have hoped that at 2 months she's start sleeping through the night, but she does. I joked with many friends before she was born "we're going to teach this one to sleep" but we didn't have to teach her - she just did it. She sleeps so well, and she's quiet as a mouse. The other morning she even woke up with a dry diaper. When I was little and thought about what babies were like - this was it.

She rarely cries, even when she's had a cup of milk chucked at her head or someone has bit her foot (any guesses who did both of those things last week?) She loves to be held and will giggle and google at whoever is nearest. She's lovely to have in the store, and people will often be shopping for awhile or talking to me before they even realize I'm holding her. She's an absolute peanut, little angel, sleeps great and is simply lovely. I don't remember a lot of Gus's first few weeks. I don't think he was awful, but I know for certain that we heard him scream, and he brought me to tears more than once. Maybe that's just how it goes with your first, so when you get to number 2 you just get to enjoy it. I'm enjoying my time with her so much I can't even describe.

I believe others who have told me that their kids personalities were there right from the very start. Even though Gus is only 1 and a half, he has always been hard headed and determined. Some might call him stubborn and single minded. If I had to choose adjectives for Nova the would be happy, easy going, and joyful. We adore her right down to the tips of her toes, and my only regret is that I haven't written much about her early infancy. She's super fantastic, and that makes this part of our life even more rewarding and fun. Now back to cleaning records!

please note

Please note: By my last post, I did not in any way mean to insinuate that my husband is actually being anything other than lovely. I meant only to tell you all that I am being completely unreasonable and overly weepy. In a word, pregnant. Things will improve this week. They must.

I saw our midwives today. The baby has been kicking like mad, which is fun and great to feel all the movements. The heart rate was around 150, I think officially 148, which is normal and perfect. I'm doing really well physically, no more sciatic nerve pain now that the baby has moved up and off my spine. I'm so glad for that. In general, just feeling a little tired and a little hungry. Clothes aren't fitting, and I'm wondering what I'll wear over the next four months (since all of my really big maternity clothes are long sleeved - last time I was done in March!) but I'm hoping that will simply work itself out. I'm glad to know that spring is just around the corner, and already the extra sunlight is affecting my mood. I love all these bright days, even if it's only 15 degrees right now. You can feel the snap in the air that means warmer weather is on the way. As Gus's birthday nears, I'm struck so often by the "I can't believe it's been a year" feeling. More on that another time. The little bear is napping, so I'm off to try to get a few rows of knitting done before he wakes up.

Oh - one last thought. Lost of people have been tsk tsking recently, now that I'm visibly pregnant. Comments like, "are you crazy?" and "oh, you're going to have your hands full" with "two under two" have been rampant among old and new friends. I mostly laugh it off, thinking that these aren't folks who spend a lot of time with Gus so they don't know how delightful he is and how he really is only fussy if he's sick or not feeling well. They don't know how great he's getting at entertaining himself, or how much he's started to enjoy exploring and playing with his toys and with other kids. Mostly, though, the one thing I want to tell them is something I heard from a mother of 12: One child can take all of your time; two can take no more. So there. Yes, we will have our hands full. But so what? We already do!

dreams

I've been putting together a video of all of our little video clips over the past year for something to show on Gus's birthday in a few weeks. Watching all the little videos again has brought me back to those first months, and it's made me think about the birth of baby v. 2.0 a lot. I've been dreaming about the baby, last night I dreamt that I gave birth to triplets, two boys and a girl. Dave says I've mentioned a lot of dreams about multiples. I don't think I'm having more than one baby, but apparently my subconscious is.

I'm feeling now the way that I think I felt in November and December of 2007. At that time I was trying to spend as much "couple time" with Dave as possible, feeling that this was the end of our little family of 2. It wasn't a sad thing, just a different thing. I was getting used to the idea of there being 3 of us, and wanting to cherish the time left when it was just us. Now it's the same, but different. I'm trying to pack in as much "3 of us" time as possible, spending time with Gus and Dave and our little family before it grows again. I know that Gus won't remember this time, he's only 11 months, but I feel a little sorry that his time with just us was so short. Often that first child gets more time to be the only child, and his time is limited now. I know he'll love the little baby and be terribly interested in him or her. I have no idea what 15 month old Gus will be like, I just know that 4 months in the world of a child his age is quite a long time developmentally. I know there will be an adjustment period that will be hard for all of us, but honestly - there's no way it could be as hard as the first 3 months of Gus's life. I guess I'm feeling a little worried too. I already know who Gus is, I know what we've got: a charming little monster with a very happy disposition who -yes - doesn't sleep through the night, but for the most part is an absolute angel. He rarely has meltdowns, and I like to think of him as "determined" instead of stubborn. I know he'll continue to grow and change, but for the most part we know what this child is like. The next baby is a completely unknown, and therefore something to worry a bit about.

The baby is moving and kicking like crazy so far, so chances are that he/she is going to be the same kind of mover that Gus is. I know my ribs were sore at times from the severe kicks he delivered to me, and he wanted to be pushing up onto his feet right from the beginning. He's a very physical child, that's for sure, using his cement block head to knock us out in bed, or climbing everything from the coffee table to the book shelves. I think he's a lot like Dave, constantly in motion, never happy sitting still. I'm sure that won't translate well into sitting in a desk for 13 years, but we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I'm going to take his hand and practice walking. He's getting pretty good at it.

22 weeks

I can't tell you honestly how big the little baby is this week. I missed the weekly update, or maybe I haven't got it yet. I'm 22 weeks, and feeling like I'm really pregnant all of a sudden. The baby is moving a ton, and I can even feel some of the bigger kicks on the outside. The baby always stops just as I get Dave over to feel the kicking, but I bet soon he'll be able to feel it too. I was just about to sit down and write a long post about how this is the easy part of pregnancy and mostly I feel really great, just big now, when the little one sitting next to me just threw up blueberries all over himself. So much for that delicious breakfast. Must clean up...

don't tell me...

I know, I know, there have been very few posts recently. Things have been hard going for a little while, there are a lot of balls in the air right now.

In the meantime, Gus is thisclose to taking his first step. In fact, he took a little shuffle yesterday that could possibly be considered his first step, but I'm waiting to declare it until he actually lifts his foot. It's right around the corner, and this time I'm not exaggerating. Walking before 11 months. Yay!

so big

Can't believe how big he is some times. Just yesterday he was my itty bitty baby. Now he's pounding on the piano as he tears past on his way to the kitchen (and the dog's dishes). Slow down, little one!

beer making

Yesterday, Dave bottled the nut brown ale that he made just before new years.

It's just shy of two cases, and we think it's going to be good.

Gus helped, as he always does. The warning on this bucked always cracks me up - not because it's funny that a baby can drown in a bucket, but because it's just a comical drawing. Here's Gus not following the warning.

And here he is using his tiptoes to look inside.

Tiptoes are cute.

remembering

One of my favorite books of poetry is "You Won't Remember This" by Michael Dennis Browne. I had Professor Browne for a summer poetry class I took at the U, and after taking it I bought his book. I still see him from time to time, shopping at the co-op, which I think is pretty neat.

Anyway, the book is poems about his kids, mostly, and the title poem "You Won't Remember This" has stayed with me. Here's the first part:


You lift your arms to your head,
which looks so dark, then turn
to lie on your side, the fluid
swilling in your abdomen.
The radiologist says:

"Anything dark is liquid,
anything white is muscle,
anything gray is bone."

These like the moon pictures,
wavering, grainy, the lens
lurching, and again you turn;
that shadowy bulb is your head,
those snow streaks your muscles,
those blurred tundras your bones.

you won't remember this

At ten days
you look lonely.
You seem between countries.

You look at me briefly,
not with interest.
You give no sign.

I toss you shreds of song
to where you lie,
down in the cradle canyon,
looking up.

Remote to you my moon
drifts over the rim

You lie,
looking up.

you won't remember this

Today your first injection,
and tonight you cry, your thigh
throbbing. Now you have fallen
asleep on my left shoulder,
lying across my heart.

you won't remember this

You don't want to go
to day care today; you weep,
you cling to my leg,
you roll your eyes:
oh no oh no; all the sorrows
of my mother in my daughter.

you won't remember this

I hear a moaning from upstairs;
slowly you descend--whooo whooo whooo --
over your head the nibbled blanket;
on the last tread trip, topple
--oops! oops! --
and I gather up my ghost.

you won't remember this



It's a phrase and a poem that often comes to mind in this first year with Gus and now with this second pregnancy. So much of our early lives is gone to our memories, but so much of it is formative, I think. Attitudes about food, about life, and love - all these feelings and learning about life are being formed now, while he's only so wee.

Last night, standing in the kitchen. He'd kicked out of his pants and his shirt was half undone. Standing, throwing the tupperware over his head, I couldn't help by think " you won't remember this." Oh, but I will sweet one. It's moments like these I hope I never forget.

so big

We were at a friend's house last night celebrating a birthday. Gus and Dave got to go early, and I had to be at a work meeting. I came later, and when I arrived, Gus was swinging in the arms of a friend who we don't see very often. I was surprised at first, since little August has been going through a bit of a separation anxiety/stranger anxiety phase. It's not a terrible one, I would say - he's just been reluctant to let us out of his sight and very reluctant to be handed to strangers. I think it comes with face recognition and now he's sure who he knows and who he doesn't, he doesn't like the idea of hanging out with new people as much as he did when he was just a wee one.

Anyway, our friend who was holding him kept noting how small and cuddly he is. I think the opposite! This little guy is all legs and arms when I pick him up. No more baby bundle from last summer. He's long and lean and squirmy, rarely cuddly. He'll be 9 months this week, and it seems like he's already a toddler, no longer a baby. I know it's cliche to say it, but oh - it just goes so damn fast. My little baby is on the brink of walking and talking, and I'm nostalgic for just a few months past.

It's so fun to spend time with him, watching him try new sounds and check out new stuff. He tries so hard to mimic us, and is terribly determined. I knew we'd be overwhelmed with love for our little baby, but sometimes it still just takes my breath away, how powerful that feeling is. He's such a fun little guy, I feel lucky to be his mama.

dear blog, I'm sorry

Dear blog,

I'm so sorry that I haven't been around much recently. You see, things come up and you're just no longer even close to the top of the to-do list. Right now, for example, I'm in my office (I come in only one day a week) and I am alternating between printing the agendas for tonight's community meeting and stopping August from knocking the lit rack over on himself - again, eating coasters that he found somewhere, and chewing on power cords. The whole "bring baby to work" thing was great when he was mesmerized by the ceiling fan. Those days are gone, and now he requires either constant hovering in order to keep him out of harm's way, or if I'm lucky - he'll fall asleep.

This whole blog thing was easier in the past as well when we had two computers at home. One home one, and my work laptop. Now it's just the one, and I don't get as much internet time. Again, blog is not at the top of the to-do list. I have to update ravelry!

Anyway, things are going decently well. Gus continues to wake at night, but there are nights like last night when he only gets up 3 times. Of course, there are also nights like last Thursday when neither Dave nor I at any point were able to fall asleep, what with the crying, the asleep-crying, and the being punched in the face by our lovely first born. I have a new strategy and outlook and am hoping that we can do more to get him to sleep more (aside to day light savings time - I despise you).

I will try to update poor ol' plums in bloom more often. Because August wants to spend so much time exploring his world, I'm getting many knitting projects done, along with a ton of reading. I'm so glad that it's winter again, my thoughts have turned to making blankets. I've got a few things to finish before I buy yarn again, but I can dream. Maybe this winter I'll finally get around to that etsy shop too. So many folks have expressed interest and delight in Gus's knitted pants that I have seriously considered selling them. Any thoughts? Based on the reactions I get from other mothers, I'm guessing that I could sell them for at least $15. And since they take about a week each to make (the smaller the better) I could have a little inventory built up in no time.

That's all for now, dear blog. Gus just knocked over a garbage can for the 3rd time. Maybe it's time I moved it up on the counters. He can't reach up there. At least, not yet.

Truly yours,

-lh-

just as things settle down

I'm unsure where I am these days. Some days I feel like we have a routine and we're hitting our stride - like things are settling down and we're beginning to see what normal will be like for the next little bit. Then we have days like yesterday and today, where getting Gus to sleep is a fight, where doing nearly everything is a fight, and the exhaustion creeps up and knocks me down when I'm not expecting it. I'm short with Dave, I'm short with the pets, and though I try not to be - I know I'm short with the baby.

We made it through those first few months on less than 2 hours of sleep at a time. We did this while also mourning Paul, while adjusting to new mama- and papa-hood. We also hosted friends and family on a near daily basis. I don't know how we did it. I look back now and those days are blurry, caught in a fog of half sleep. I don't remember being so sad all the time, then. Maybe I was and I just don't remember it. Or maybe the hormones and the bliss of that little babe soaked up some of the grief so it wasn't so powerful. Each time we mark another month for Gus (he'll be 5 months next week) we also mark another month since Paul died. I hope that I won't spend the rest of my life thinking about Paul each time I think about the birth of August, but for now - at least for the first half of this year - it's impossible to escape.

It ebbs and flows, there's high times and low times. I guess this is one of the low times. I know that no one would say this is supposed to be easy. I know that raising a kid is work, and that work is never done. I can't help but feel guilty when in one minute I'm cursing Paul for being gone - thinking of how much easier it would be to deal with Gus if I didn't have the weight of the grief - and in the next minute cursing Gus - thinking of how much easier it would be to grieve if I didn't have to be playful and happy for baby. It's not fair either way, and I feel awful each time one of those thoughts flits through.

I try to remember to take it one day at a time. To not let little things get under my skin. I try to remember that the most important thing is that we have each other, our little family of 3, and that together we can get through some pretty tough shit. It's hard to see clearly, to guess what's next. It's easier to be sullen and quiet, to spend most of my time in my head.

I know that I don't call friends. I've become terrible about returning calls. I suppose I should be better - but the truth is that I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I assume they think I'm busy with the baby, busy doing baby-n-me classes or whatever it is that new mommas are supposed to do. It's hard to see people, to go places. It's hard to be happy when you feel like hiding under the covers. It's even worse to go out with friends and realize you're the one talking about death and writing a will, when everyone else just wants to talk about the new Batman movie. It's embarrassing, it makes me self conscious. I don't want to be the morbid one who can't get over it - so I just stay in. Don't answer the phone, don't even listen to the messages. There's fewer and fewer calls anyway, so at least I can feel a little less guilty about that.

The baby continues to be the ray of sunshine, even on hard days. He's so bright eyed and happy most of the time, he's just a delight. He keeps me sane, keeps me moving. It sucks to be away from him, I feel a little bit at sea. More and more I have to let go, though. I'm going to be working more, and I think that's a good thing. I have a hard time letting go, letting Dave take him and have fun with him without me. The more I'm at work, the more they'll have a chance to play together and develop their own schedule and routine. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, right? I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

updating

I've been spending a ton of time updating my Ravelry page with all the knitted things around the house. Most of them were before the blog or I never got around to blogging about them - I find that Ravelry is everything I ever wanted in a knitting blog - I just have to fill in forms, upload photos - I don't have to be terribly creative and I can look at all of my knitting on one page. I love it, and I still haven't gotten around to doing the stash and the needles section. Hopefully soon.

In the meantime, our little family of three has been busy. I took a second job - meaning I will now work a whopping 20 hours a week. I'm honestly a little nervous about it. Yes, the little guy is nearly 5 months old, but I've spent so much time with him in those 5 months I'm worried about being away from him so much. I know it will be good for each of us and he can spend more time with Dave and get more comfortable doing his bedtime routine and other things with him. I'm excited about the new job, especially because it comes with a great deal on a gym membership. Working out is something I've completely dismissed since Aug was born, and I can't wait to get back into swimming regularly.

Dave has been working like mad in the garden, and I feel terrible I haven't posted photos. He's completed a lot of stuff that was on hold - the front fence, the porch project, the shed addition. He's begun on the fence in the back too, all while keeping up a massive vegetable and flower garden. The daily haul of tomatoes is enough to shock anyone, and he's now pulling in beans, eggplants, and a mess of herbs. Peppers are just around the corner - the jalapenos are already producing faster than we can eat, and the pumpkins are turning orange. I think I'll have my wish that one of Gus's first meals will be butternut squash from our backyard, and in the meantime we've enjoyed the broccoli and the raspberries. It's totally overwhelming how the garden has grown this year, and I know that Dave has done it all. At best, I've sat out in the yard with him. I'm so proud of how much work he has put into making our yard better than it has ever been.

Though Gus is not quite 5 months old, we've started feeding him cereal. He's showed an interest in food for a long time, watching us intently during meals. He is delighted with eating - he chomps down on the spoon and opens his mouth for more. Our only real struggle with the little guy is trying to get him to take a nap longer than 45 minutes (and we're reading "The No Cry Sleep Solution" in attempt to do exactly that). He still loathes the car and most rides are full of fussing or sometimes screaming. There's little we can do about that at this point - pretty frequently we need to put him in the car. We do our best to drive during nap times and to keep him entertained. Hopefully that will improve soon.

The little guy is waking up, so no more time for blogging. I hope to get back to regular posting at some point - maybe when he's 5?

FOURS

Four days ago:
Four weeks ago:

Four months ago:

Four years ago:

Happy anniversary, Poppa Bear.

self portrait, with baby

It's funny how having a baby transforms you. You expect the change, see it coming, plan for it - and still - it sweeps you off your feet. You try to listen to people when they warn you what it's like, but most of what people say is crap.

"You'll never get to go out anymore."
"Conversations with your spouse will only be about the baby."
"You can kiss all of your free time goodbye."

Oh, please. We never liked going out anyway; we've been looking for a good excuse to stay home since the dog grew out of puppyhood.

The real change, the one that matters, is the one that comes when you say "momma wants you to go to sleep" instead of "I want you to go to sleep." I try to keep myself from doing it, but I slip up often. I'm in third person now, not just a person - a concept. I'm somebody's mom.

The biggest surprise is that I'm no longer the most important person in my life. Maybe there's a similar transformation when you find your life partner - but this one is different. This little human relies on me for everything - food, shelter, love - while Dave was really sick, he told me that at one point he and Gus were in a doctor's waiting room, and Gus was upset. He didn't want to be in the stroller or the sling or wherever he was, and Dave had to walk around to keep him quiet. For those 5 minutes it took to calm him down, he was able to almost forget how sick and awful he felt. The number one thing he wanted to do was make the baby feel okay - and he felt sorry for having to bring him to the doctor's office in the first place. That change, that ability to forgo your own needs - that change from "I" to "we" is the one of the most surprising things about the last few months.

We're connected, li'l Gus and me and Dave. We're a trio, a little family of three. And that's pretty neat.

milestones

August continues to meet growth and development milestones at an amazing pace. At least, it's amazing to me. I consciously avoid any websites and books that tell me when and how my baby should develop. I think that most of that will happen naturally, and if we're missing any big pieces, we'll find out at his medical checkups. I also plan to ignore all talk of percentiles, just for sanity's sake.

Most of my knowledge, therefore, comes from growing up helping my mom in her daycare (although I admit we read The Baby Book by Dr. Sears before the babe was born). Things like when he should roll over, when he should crawl, when he should teethe - those are just loose estimates in my head. He surprised me by rolling over almost a month ago - from back to belly, and he surprised me again this morning when he finally made that next leap - front to back. He was laying on a blanket in the kitchen while Dave and I were reading the paper, getting ready for the day. I peripherally knew he was on his belly (as per usual these days) and I heard a bump. I glanced down, and he was back on his back, looking confused as all get out. After a little fussing - he may have bumped his head a bit - he was pleased to roll back to his belly and chew on the blanket, content as he is on most mornings.

He gets his knees up under him, and he can scoot just a little forward. He can't coordinate knees and arms yet, so he scoots with his head against the ground. That seems like pre-crawling to me, and I'm excited that he's doing it already.

He drools more than the dog, often soaking the front of his romper. Gail, my lovely midwife, told me yesterday that he could easily be teething, and that he just won't cut that first one for awhile. Some babies are apparently born with teeth, so that thing about babies not getting them until 6 months, well that's just not always true. Her firstborn cut his first tooth in his 4th month, and she guesses that August may do the same.

And oh - my favorite milestone. He sleeps. He sleeps so well. It's been a full week now, and he has consistently gone to bed at the same time, and stayed there through the night. If he wakes up, he doesn't fuss or cry, and doesn't need to be fed. He sucks his fingers and goes back to sleep, with no help from Mom and Pop. He stays put in the morning, content to watch the shadows on the wall and the sheep mobile above him. I'm trying to keep to a 7am wake up, giving myself enough time to shower, get dressed, pump if I'm going to work, and have a little time with Dave before we get the little guy. Frequently he's up when we go to him, but he's not upset at all, just delighted to see us again.

I think that's the most surprising thing, how peaceful he is in the morning. I don't think most 3 month olds are happy to go 12 hours between meals, sleeping or waking, but happy just to be. My mother in law used to tell me that when Dave was a baby, he wouldn't cry in the crib -he just waited happily until someone came get him. She found it eerie, worrying that something was wrong with the baby who didn't cry. But there wasn't, he was just happy to entertain himself, the same then as he is now. I feel like that August is much like Dave in so many ways, and I hope this one carries him through life as it has his poppa.

secret

I have a secret. I have to whipser it, because saying it out loud might jinx it:

he has slept through the night for the last three nights!

Now I know it's too much to hope for. I know that he will not continue to sleep through the night. I know that getting up in around 2 am is my lot in life, at least for the next few years. Honestly, I feel like I've sort of gotten used to it. But boy, it's nice. Ohhhh, so nice. I still got up and checked on him the last two nights, just be sure he was breathing. He has become devoted to sleeping on his tummy, and that bugs me. I flip him back over and pray that he doesn't wake up. So far, so good.

Now as soon as Dave starts feeling better (and sleeping through the night himself) we'll be the best rested family on the block. Keeping our fingers crossed!

photos

I went into labor 3 months ago today. Can't believe it's already been this long.
It's time for official 3 month photos of the little guy, but I'm not willing to haul him into a photo studio and pay dearly for what I feel I may be able to do myself. At least, I think I can. Isn't that why we all have digital cameras? We had a little practice photo shoot in the yard this weekend, and if he hadn't been so giggly, trying the whole time to roll over and watch the leaves and the clouds, I would have had my shot. Even still, I think we did okay. We'll try again next time the sun is out.

best things

While I was on maternity leave, I wasn't sure that changing jobs this spring was the right thing to do. Now that it's all said and done, though, I couldn't be happier. These last few weeks at the old job will be hard, especially since I'm training in the evenings, but today I got my first taste of what the new job will actually be like.

It's going to be great. I'm the only employee, so I can bring baby bear to work with me:

Plus, the office is in a storefront, next to a coffee shop and across from a yarn store. You can't beat that! And even better than bringing the baby to work and having him sleep most of the time - there's a huge ceiling fan, which he loves.I know the days where he'll be completely occupied by a ceiling fan are few, so I'm grateful for them now.

I think it's all gonna work out in the end. Just have to get Dave healthy and get past this little bump, right? By July, I'll be working 3 days a week, and gearing up for our trip back east. If we take it one day at a time, I think we might just make it.

this month

This month I learned that sleep deprivation is cumulative, and it will catch up with you.
I learned that I will be grateful for 5 hours of sleep when I get it, even though I never would have though of 5 hours as a "good night's sleep".
That hormones are weird.
That the desire to protect the baby bear is totally instinctual, and there are times when my mama bear instinct surprises even me.
That the happy gurgly sound he makes in the morning is the sweetest sound on earth.
That I don't miss work, not even a little bit.
That friends and family can surprise you even after you've known them your whole life.
That it doesn't really bother me when the dog licks the baby, so long as it isn't his face.
That even though he can't roll, he can squirm until he moves himself.

Life with baby Gus continues to amaze and humble me. This month his personality really began to show, and I can't wait until his baby googles have a little more meaning, and our conversations aren't so one sided. We make a point to spend at least an hour reading to him each day, and he's begun to really enjoy story time. I have to begin pumping soon, so in the next week he'll get to learn how to eat from a bottle. I'm very much looking forward to that, since it will give Dave the opportunity to take over even more of the baby care. Gus goes everywhere with us, usually in the sling. He can nearly hold his head up, so having him tummy to tummy in the sling works much better now. Today is Dave's first day back at work, and I miss him terribly. It has been so great having him here for the first two months with August . Now I feel like I have to start living life again, leaving the house regularly on my own. I'll get the hang of it soon, I'm sure. But this new phase will take some getting used to. For starters, I'm getting pretty good at typing with one hand. I have knitting projects to show off soon, thank-you gifts for my midwives.

Time goes so fast, I can't believe it's been two months already. Look at this little bug:

Mobile

Dave and I finished the mobile for August. Dave has a better plan for it, so it isn't completely finished. For now, it moves okay, and at least the knitting part is done - 5 white sheep and 1 black. He wants to fix it up with a different construction, one that moves better.
In the meantime, Gus likes it, and it almost never fails to cheer him up while he's being changed. Attemps to catch baby smiles are a little blurry: