Oh pie shawl, how I adore thee.
I am not ashamed to say that this was the most difficult thing I have ever knit. It absolutely kicked my ass. It tested my patience, it tested my skill, and it nearly brought me to tears more than once. I cannot believe I finished this in one month. I devoted nearly every evening and every spare second to it (and though I don't have a lot of those) there was one evening where Dave mentioned that he had joined a support group for men whose wives are knitting the "big blue thing."
Pattern: Elizabeth Zimmerman's pi shawl from Knitter's Almanac
Yarn: Misti Alpaca
Needles: US 7, most of it on a 32" circular
Gauge: 4-5 sts per in, after blocking
The night before I met Gail for the first time, I sat down at the kitchen table and cried. I believe I was 17 weeks pregnant, and yes - there was a lot of crying in those first months - but I remember feeling terrified. I had a list of questions to ask these potential midwives, and I was a little overwhelmed by the prospect of giving birth in general, let alone giving birth at home. We met with Gail and Clare, and they answered all of our questions patiently. We talked about many things, including pregnancy and birth, but also life and family, hopes and values. As we were getting up to leave, I really wasn't sold. I wasn't sure this was the right thing for us, just not the right fit. Before I saw it coming, Gail caught me in a huge bear hug. It surprised me, since I'm generally not a hugger (especially with strangers). Calm washed over me, and I knew in that moment that everything was going to be okay. Just then, I felt that I trusted Gail completely.
That trust never wavered, and it was her that I relied on most heavily during my labor. She was the one I called when I felt my first contractions, she was the one I leaned on against on the wall when we were trying to change the baby's position, and she was the one who got me through that most awful night - Monday - when I was so sure that I wanted to give up. When we asked Clare and Emme to leave after 2 days of labor, it was Gail that we asked to stay. She didn't leave our house for nearly 3 days, and so far as I knew - she was happy to do it.
Dave and I joke that Gail is a modern day witch - that she knows things about the natural world that most folks would miss. Her knowledge of homeopathy was able to slow my labor that second night so I could get some rest. Even now, with Dave so sick - we asked the nurses at the clinic if the baby was at risk, and when they weren't sure, the first person I thought of to ask was Gail. She just knows things, somehow, and that makes me feel lucky to have known her.
And so, for Gail, a shawl. A shawl that was sooooo freaking complicated that I couldn't find the big, glaring mistake in the lace pattern. It grimaces out at me from these photos, and I only hope she won't notice. This was my first attempt at knitting lace, and I realize only now what an undertaking it was.
I don't think that Gail is a lacy-shawl wearing type of lady. In fact, she might be the exact opposite of a lacy-shawl wearing lady, but I don't care. I wanted something she could wrap around herself, something that would be soft, and would make her feel calm. That first hug was just the beginning, and over the months of my pregnancy and after, there were many hugs exchanged.
I think it is suitable that this shawl took my knitting to a higher level, and it taught me something about patience, about being too big for my britches, about biting off more than I can chew. I learned something very similar from Gail, and when I look back at that scared pregnant lady, crying at her kitchen table, I feel like there are decades between who I was then and who I am now. It was Gail who guided me across that bridge, from woman to mother, and for that - for all that she taught me - I am terribly, terrible grateful.
Personally, I have never been a fan of felted items, but I thought a big, floppy, felted bag would suit Clare. I could never quite put my finger on her - she swung between totally professional and totally wacky. I remember last winter, after she saw Dave and I all suited up in our many knitted winter items, she took up her knitting needles and produced a number of fun, stripey scarves. I think this bag will complement them nicely.
Pattern: None, I just knit a big circle and ended with a 3 needle bind off, then attached handles.
Yarn: Plymouth Boku in two different colorways
Needles: My trusty old US 10 circulars
Gauge: I didn't measure before I felted, and I can't measure now.
Clare was amazing during the birth. There were times when Dave and I were in our bedroom, working through the contractions. Clare would come in, and sit with her back against the wall and eyes closed. I could hear her breathing, and just her calm presence made me slow down, follow her breath, and relax a little bit. I remember that she made me the most delicious bowl of oatmeal I have ever eaten. I'm hungry just thinking about it.
Clare was the midwife I saw most while I was pregnant. There were times when my checkups were just with her, and she was also my yoga teacher so I saw her on a near weekly basis. I came to absolutely adore her, and I miss her fun smile and her goofy attitude. She made me laugh so many times when I thought I was beyond laughter, and I'm grateful to her for it.
I don't know for sure that she'll like this bag, but it turned out just the way I expected it to. It's sturdy and useful, and also fun. I wasn't sure I was going to line it with fabric, but when I started my new job and found out that Crafty Planet is just across the street, I couldn't help but pop in for 1/2 yard to finish this off. I like the contrast of the plain floral pattern inside, and I think it gives the finished bag a nice touch.
3 midwives attended August's birth - well, technically 2 midwives and 1 a doula. In the weeks immediately afterward, I decided to knit them all gifts as a thank you for the spectacular job they did, both before, during, and after our little guy came into the world. Honestly, I owe these women so much that simple knitted gifts don't seem like they quite cut it.
I cannot believe it took me 3 full months to complete these 3 projects, but I had a lot less knitting time than I had anticipated. Who new a newborn would almost always require two hands?
Midwife gift 1 - socks!
During one of the postpartum visits, our doula Emme mentioned how much she liked August's socks. He was wearing these ones, so I thought what better than to make her a pair for herself?
Pattern: I followed the basic sock recipe in Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's Knitting Rules!
Yarn: Lanett Superwash
Needles: US 2
Gauge: 8.5 sts to the in
Mods: Hm... I finished these in the middle of April and I do not honestly remember.I think they're a pretty good replica of the original, and I hope she likes them. I no longer give socks to non-knitting friends, and Emme is a knitter herself. I don't think non-knitters realize how much work goes into a pair of hand knit socks, so there you have it.
I was kicking myself over how long this pair took me to knit, but that was long before I got to gift 2 and 3, and I realize now that a month for a pair of socks is nothing considering I was caring for our newborn at the same time.
During my long labor, Emme was patient and present. Though I know I snapped at her a few times, she was never anything other than wonderful toward me, and I'm grateful for the help she provided during the labor. She was extremely helpful in the first week of Gus's life as well, making a few special trips to my house to help me get started nursing. She was lovely and patient, and I'm so thankful for all she did to help our little family.
We had our last checkup with the midwives yesterday afternoon, and it was sad to say goodbye. It isn't really goodbye yet since we will most certainly see them again, but it was the last official visit.
Baby Gus has grown! He's five weeks and 2 days, and his weight was 10 pounds 4 ounces, and his length was 23 inches, a full 2 inches more than when he was born! His head was also an inch larger. The ladies were so happy to see him and they think he's doing great. I'm working on thank you gifts for the midwives, and I've only completed one so far. I will pick up the yarn for the next one hopefully this weekend. I've got a baby project I'm trying to fit in between, and it's going slowly.
It was such a cool experience getting to know the midwives. Yesterday while talking with Catherine, I realized that while she was in labor with her gorgeous little boy there were times in the hospital when it was just her husband and her alone in their room, coping with the labor. It made me so grateful that I was never alone, not for a minute. I had my husband and one of the midwifes supporting me through the entire labor, long as it was. A few knitted gifts aren't really enough to say thank you for the hard work that the ladies did through my pregnancy, labor, birth, and post partum time. They were amazing, and I would highly recommend them to anyone who is interested in home birth. I will keep my fingers crossed that when Dave and I choose to have another baby, they'll still be working together and supporting birth at home.
Meanwhile: Dave and Gus have been working on something:
GUSMONSTER!
I heard from a fellow yogini that "The Business of Being Born" was available to rent. I knew that it debuted locally at the Oak Street Cinema a few weeks ago, so I was surprised to hear that I could get it on DVD so soon. I really enjoyed watching it, and can't wait to share it with Dave this weekend when we have a little more time. I know that watching films like this is just preaching to the choir, but it's nice to feel renewed and reminded about why we chose a home birth in the first place.
The quote on the website sums it up: "Should most births be viewed as a natural life process, or should every delivery be treated as a potentially catastrophic medical emergency?" I wish I could hand out copies of this movie to everyone who has been shocked or worried when I told them our birth plan. Instead, I've resorted to telling folks that every person you ever met, and every person who ever lived got here through birth. That's a long history of a woman's body knowing what to do. Only a very small percentage of births require intervention, and yet in the US, more than 1 in 3 births are completed via Cesarean. 1 in 3. That's friggin huge.
The midwives came, the midwives went. All clear for home birth.
There was touring the house. There was talking about herbs and fruit soup. There was rolling on the floor laughing. There was the introduction to the pets. There was an inventory of the birth supplies, and there was the regular ol' check up of the Laura. I'm measuring 34 cm, right on schedule for growth (not three extra inches, as I expected). Baby remains head down and feet up, exactly where we want it to be. Heart rate steady in the 130s, continuing to perpetuate my belief that I'm carrying a little boy (apologies to my future daughter in the case that's untrue). Discussion of some options for belly painting and body art - the washable markers worked, but faded very quickly. We'll try that again this weekend.
And last, after they left, in the silence that settled, there was fear. I was suddenly afraid. It all became real. I knew that moment would hit, that "oh my god, I'm having a baby" moment. I guess I thought it would only come during labor, once the process had begun and I realized there was an exit strategy and what that actually meant. But instead, I'm struck by it now, weeks from the birth. I think it was because it was here, in our home. Dave and I looking at each other after they'd gone and realizing it was going to happen here. At our house. Maybe in the bathroom or the bedroom or even the kitchen, but either way, it would be here.
I'm a little surprised at myself, and a little disappointed. I'm not changing my mind, I still feel absolutely confident with the home-birth thing. I think this is more about birth in general, not location. That fear is a little twinge in the back of my head, a little chink in the mama armor I thought I had built. At least I've got some time to mull it over and work it out.
Too bad this is sold out!
The Business of Being Born
The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN) of the Twin Cities is pleased to announce a special sneak preview of THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN a documentary film directed by Abby Epstein and Executive Produced by Ricki Lake.
Our homebirth midwives are on the panel presenting at the Oak Street Cinema before the event. If only we'd heard about it sooner, we might have been able to attend. Alas, we'll have to go occupy ourselves by reading some facts at www.givingbirthnaturally.com.
I'd just like to state for the record that I'm happy that the baby is active, and I'm really happy the baby is head down. But man oh man, I would really like some relief from the rib kicking. My favorite is when I can push down right on the feet and the baby moves them out of the way, then sneaks them back up to my ribs just over to the side a little bit. It must be the most comfy position for the kid, and like me - he/she does not like to be disturbed when comfortable!
I pick and choose who I tell about our home birth plan. My step-mother? Yes. My mother, no. My mother-in-law? Hard to decide. Probably, but I might wait until the week before my due date. Friends? Yes, for the most part, but not all. I haven't told many people about this blog, sort of for the same reasons. I'm sure that once the baby comes, this will be a haven for baby photos and not much more, but I like the idea of having the history here, so I can go back and look at how I physically felt at week 31 or week 15, and see how naive and optimistic I was for the future. I've told some of my coworkers, but I actively avoid telling others.
My reasons are varied, but for the most part I don't want to talk about the birth with those who either 1. have not given birth in the last 10 years, or 2. don't know me very well. People tend not to be particularly supportive of the home birth paradigm, and there are a lot of questions that are immediately asked. I don't feel like I have to justify my choice, and I am certainly not a resident genius about home birth. I know what feels right for me, but I don't purport to say that it's the best or the right way. There are tons of resources out there, though, like the Citizens for Midwifery, Childbirth Connection, and DONA. I can't say that I have ever done so much reading on one topic in such a short time - in the past 6 months of pregnancy, I have read so many books, articles and online resources that it honestly amazes me. My number 1 favorite book out there is still Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I could, I would give this book to every woman of childbearing age. I love this book. The end.
Recently, though, Dave and I have switched to baby care books and resources. We've got the Baby Book at home, and have found it useful so far. The library just informed me that the Happiest Baby on the Block has arrived on the holdshelf for me, and while that sounds ridiculous, I'm pretty excited to watch it. Our midwives have also learnt us What Babies Want, which we will hopefully get to this weekend. I feel like I'm full of pregnancy and birth information, and it's been fun to begin switching over to the baby stuff.
Dave and I have quietly started talking about home birth. So far, we've told my brother and my dad and step-mom, along with a few friends. The next frontier is my in-laws, and my mother and sister will be the final challenge. So far, I've been surprised. Friends have been mostly supportive, and family is trying to understand before they disapprove. The most important thing has been to reassure everyone that Dave and I would never, not ever, not under any circumstance, put either me or the baby in any risk. Once they hear that, everyone breathes a big sigh of relief as if there were every any question. I believe and research has shown that the risks are the same for home or hospital birth. About 10% of our midwives' patients transfer to the hospital, and most often the reason is dehydration and exhaustion of the mother, not because the baby is any danger.
People try to trip me up, throwing what-if's out there. What if you go past 42 weeks? What if the baby is breech? What if the baby is in distress? Well then for heavens sake people, we'd go to the hospital. Though I haven't driven it with a stop watch in hand, we live about 10 minutes from our chosen hospital. The midwives that we hired have the same level of training as the clinic midwife that we see, and a heck of a lot of experience under their belts. There are many things we can do to prevent problems - eating a protein rich diet has been shown to reduce the occurrence of preeclampsia. Being prepared for the birth, keeping up fluids and eating during the labor should ward off exhaustion (depending on how long the labor goes). I do exercises daily that will help get the baby into an ideal position. Beyond that, I have to leave it up to fate. Somethings remain unknown, and I know that I'm doing the best I can to have the best birth I can.
I think some folks find it a little strange that I began actively preparing mind and body for the birth 3 months ago - but it's the most important part! The whole pregnancy is leading up to this monumental occasion where we get to meet our child, so of course I want to be prepared for it. If I can help it, I'd like to avoid going to a hospital, just as I would want to avoid having a cesarean. If it's necessary, however, I wouldn't hesitate to put myself in that situation, especially if the baby is in any danger. I want to avoid a medical induction, but if I have high blood pressure and there is a medical reason to induce, then of course I would go for it. Planning a home birth isn't as wacky as it sounds, and the more information one has, the more reasonable it seems. It's been fun to share all of the knowledge that we have about this with others. I can't control how the labor and birth go, but I can do everything in my power to prepare for it. I think it's going to be pretty exciting. The most important thing, of course, is that we end up with a health baby and momma at the end. The rest is incidental.
We're planning a home birth. And I'm really, really excited.
I know that we were leaning this direction, but meeting our new home birth midwives, Gail and Clare, really tipped the scales. We met with them a week ago, and they were just lovely. They spent an hour and a half with us, just talking about who we are, how we feel about birth, and what our goals are. The explained their work and their training, and we felt extremely comfortable with them.
That was the easy part. Now comes the more difficult stuff - telling family. Here's how I plan to phrase it:
We're planning a home birth! We are working with two certified midwives (one a certified nurse who has years of hospital birth experience, and one a traditional midwife who has been doing home births for almost 25 years). We have our back-up plan in place, and in case of any difficulty or changes, we will transport to Abbott Northwestern, an 5-10 minute drive from our house. There are many reasons that a woman will transport during labor, the most common being exhaustion and dehydration. We're planning to avoid these two things, but we know that we might end up in the hospital either way. If we do go, the midwives come with us. We also know that if the baby's vital signs or my vital signs look at all like they are in trouble, we will go to the hospital. We're not stupid, and we're not willing to put my life or the baby's life in danger.
There are a number of reasons that we're choosing this path, but they're personal and I don't want to go into them. If you have serious concerns about my safety or the baby's safety, please come with me to one of our prenatal appointments, meet the midwives, and talk to them yourself. We've done our research, we've talked to references, and we are excited and committed to this plan.
So there. I'm not sure how that will go. I had planned to lie to family, telling them that I'm going to deliver in the hospital. But you know what? I'm going to have to start putting my foot down. It's about time. And it seems good to start doing that now, before the baby is involved - because I think there will be a lot of things that I'm going to want to put my foot down about once the kid is actually here.
So I've got to find a way to tell them, and find a way to have them be okay with it. Dave and I had a long talk last night, and he kept repeating that I'm not in charge of how anyone else feels, I'm only in charge of how I feel. It's hard, and scary to think that my family might resent me, or disapprove, but this just feels like the right path. I've said before that I feel like my family disapproves of me in general, they think I'm just a little too far out of the mainstream. Even though I don't believe that I am - not watching television and eating organic, locally grown food does not make you a crazy person. This, however, is stepping way out of the mainstream, and I understand that.
I truly believe that one of the reasons that the United States has seen an increase in maternal mortality and a fairly high infant mortality rate at birth has more to do with the intervention of medical science than it does the lack of it. Bringing birth into the hospitals, increasing rates of induction, Cesarean, and medical intervention have all been contributing factors. I want to be part of that small group who fights back by taking the birth of my child into my own hands, and trusting that two experienced women can get us through without those interventions. Reading articles like this one and this one prove to me that it is the right thing for me to do. Learning about the hormones that are released during birth and knowing all of the ways that hospitals go about stopping that natural process, I want to try to do it this way.
Last night, Dave and I attended a meeting of the Minnesota childbirth collective. They do a series of parent topic nights, and it was neat to connect with other parents and a bunch of doulas. The topic for last night was preparing your mind and body for birth. There were a couple snippets of information that we gleaned that I found particularly helpful. The doula Karen covered a number of exercises that can be done in advance to prepare and tone the muscles groups needed during birth. Most important to me was squatting. While it's well known by many that women in other cultures squat during birth, I never considered the reasons why. To name a few, squatting shortens the birth canal, uses gravity to get the baby out, and opens the pelvis as wide as it will go. It makes sense to practice this ahead of time, especially as the weight of the baby in your belly makes balance a little more difficult.
Karen also gave a long talk about food and food choices, something that Dave and I have learned a lot about and spent a lot of time discussing. The thing that hit home, though, is hearing again how high the protein needs are for a pregnant woman. They talked about the Brewer Diet and the research Dr. Tom Brewer did during his lifetime. Sufficient levels of protein can prevent pre-eclampsia, a scary and often dangerous condition. Being a vegetarian, we've been worried that I wasn't getting enough protein, even though my blood levels were fine at 8 weeks (the last time we had lab work done). After meeting with the home birth midwives, I began to add hemp protein powder to my fruit shakes every day. But now, after looking through the Brewer diet, I'm going to try to do more. I plan to eat nuts every day, either peanuts or almonds. Peanut butter at breakfast, and a hard boiled egg. We will keep adding beans into means wherever we can, but I will try to snack on things like black bean and fava bean salads. I think these small changes will make a world of differences.
The last part of the evening that was sort of skipped over because of time, was practicing relaxation techniques with your birth partner. It makes sense that one would want to practice these things ahead of time, learning how to read each other's cues and be comfortable saying what is working and what isn't. Dave and I didn't get a chance to talk about this at all last night, but I'm hoping we will soon. Karen urged us to consider how to deal with a woman in labor who doesn't want to be touched or spoken to. What are you left with? Eye contact, music, scents, sounds - there are a ton of ways to continue to be helpful and supportive, even if that doesn't involve talking and touching. One of the most insightful things they said is that when you invite someone to your birth, you want to be sure you talk to them in advance about the possibility that you may want them to leave. Let them know that they shouldn't be offended, it's not personal, it's just the way that you feel right now, and feelings are all over the place during birth.
This was really our first forage into birthing classes, and while it was not the traditional hospital Lamaze class, I found it very valuable. I think I'll go back to the parent topic nights, to get to know people better and to connect with other pregnant couples. It was neat to go around the room and hear how and where other people planned to deliver (or had delivered) their babies. It's cool to be able to tell a room full of people that you're planning a home birth, and feel supported and proud of your decision.
I am not ashamed to say that this was the most difficult thing I have ever knit. It absolutely kicked my ass. It tested my patience, it tested my skill, and it nearly brought me to tears more than once. I cannot believe I finished this in one month. I devoted nearly every evening and every spare second to it (and though I don't have a lot of those) there was one evening where Dave mentioned that he had joined a support group for men whose wives are knitting the "big blue thing."
The night before I met Gail for the first time, I sat down at the kitchen table and cried. I believe I was 17 weeks pregnant, and yes - there was a lot of crying in those first months - but I remember feeling terrified. I had a list of questions to ask these potential midwives, and I was a little overwhelmed by the prospect of giving birth in general, let alone giving birth at home. We met with Gail and Clare, and they answered all of our questions patiently. We talked about many things, including pregnancy and birth, but also life and family, hopes and values. As we were getting up to leave, I really wasn't sold. I wasn't sure this was the right thing for us, just not the right fit. Before I saw it coming, Gail caught me in a huge bear hug. It surprised me, since I'm generally not a hugger (especially with strangers). Calm washed over me, and I knew in that moment that everything was going to be okay. Just then, I felt that I trusted Gail completely.
That trust never wavered, and it was her that I relied on most heavily during my labor. She was the one I called when I felt my first contractions, she was the one I leaned on against on the wall when we were trying to change the baby's position, and she was the one who got me through that most awful night - Monday - when I was so sure that I wanted to give up. When we asked Clare and Emme to leave after 2 days of labor, it was Gail that we asked to stay. She didn't leave our house for nearly 3 days, and so far as I knew - she was happy to do it.
And so, for Gail, a shawl. A shawl that was sooooo freaking complicated that I couldn't find the big, glaring mistake in the lace pattern. It grimaces out at me from these photos, and I only hope she won't notice. This was my first attempt at knitting lace, and I realize only now what an undertaking it was.
I don't think that Gail is a lacy-shawl wearing type of lady. In fact, she might be the exact opposite of a lacy-shawl wearing lady, but I don't care. I wanted something she could wrap around herself, something that would be soft, and would make her feel calm. That first hug was just the beginning, and over the months of my pregnancy and after, there were many hugs exchanged.
