I fell asleep standing up today. Just for a second really. The elevator in my office building is ancient, and if you press the button at the same time as someone else, you could be waiting the better part of 10 minutes to get on. I leaned my head back against the wall and let my laptop bag sink to the floor. The next thing I knew, I was blinking awake to the soft ding as the car arrived. I pulled my sunglasses down, even though I was still indoors.
The ladies I work with cluck at me, "Oh, she's a new mom, she must be so tired." Affectionate and taunting at the same time. "You have no idea" I want to say, but don't have the energy to go into how awful this week has been.
Because I am wonder woman and think I can do everything, I didn't just return to my job this week. No no, I agreed to start training for my new job in the evenings. My day job kept me away for 7 hours each day, plus 2 or 3 hours in the evening on Tuesday and Thursday. That's not the worst part, though. Dave taking over at home coincided with a mysterious illness, which we now know to be mono. He has zero energy, and while the baby bear is missing me - the one thing that calms him is walking around. Poor Dave barely has the energy to stand, let alone pace the floors trying to calm master AP. Add to that an elbow injury, and for the last two days he can barely hold the kid at all.
The saying goes that the Lord won't hand you anything that you're not able to handle, but more and more I think that's crap. Each time we feel like our heads are above water, that there's finally some sunshine around the corner, life hands us one more sucker punch to the gut, leaving us gasping for air. Right now I've got my fingers crossed hoping that at some point in my past I had mono and I'm immune. Within a few weeks we'll find out, and as Dave's symptoms begin to subside (hopefully soon) mine may start to bring me down.
"This isn't the way it's supposed to be" I keep thinking to myself, and while I suppose that's the bargaining stage of grief, it feels more like anger. I wouldn't trade anything for the time with Gus that we've had - he's an amazing child, mostly cheerful all the time and so much fun to be around. But man, this is hard. Ugh. At least it's Friday. There's some peace on the horizon.