it just might be

I think maybe, just maybe, I might have felt the first movements this weekend. I was sitting in a rocking chair and reading, and for a second I felt something that was like a soap bubble popping on the inside of my tummy. I couldn't get it to happen again, and it was devastatingly light, but I'm pretty sure that was it.

I feel relief - I finally felt something that I think was it, and now I can rule out everything else. I had been having little twinges in my abdomen that I now think was just muscle pain and ligaments stretching. I'm glad to know the baby is there and reaching out. Since today is the official half way mark, I was beginning to think it would never happen.

We've got our second ultrasound scheduled for this Friday, and I'm very excited. Though Dave and I agree that we don't want to know the sex of the baby in advance, I'm tempted to try to look and figure it out. I want it to be a surprise, but a tiny part of me also wants to know that little secret. Even though I've been pregnant for 20 weeks, I feel like the baby doesn't really have any individuality yet - and knowing the sex might help me characterize it in my mind, allow for that individual personality. Then the logical/liberal takes over to remind me that our culture over sexualizes and gender stereotypes children enough, we could do without it in-utero.

If I knew though, I wouldn't tell everyone. I wouldn't splash pink or blue everywhere, I would just hold onto it, know it, get used to it. Try out names and see what fits, start using "he" or "she" in my mind. I've been dreaming and having strong feelings that it's a boy, but Dave mentioned me to yesterday that he has similarly strong feelings that it's a girl. The temptation to know is there, but I think on Friday we'll make our wishes known to the ultrasound tech and continue in our ignorance. Coloring things in green, brown, grey, yellow (which are better than pink and blue anyway).