Wednesday, November 28, 2007

not in the mood

I'm in a funk, both emotionally and physically. I'm not sure which one brought the other on, but they're both here, hovering over me. I'm physically drained, even though I've been going to bed at 9 and getting up at 7. My body aches and I have a low grade fever. I was feeling horribly nauseous last night, sure that I was finally going to puke like all the other pregnant ladies.

Pregnancy has done something to my brain that makes it impossible to reason. When I'm uncomfortable or not feeling well, I immediately jump to the conclusion that this is how it's going to be for the rest of my pregnancy. It's like I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop, that feeling good all the time must be a miscalculation and it's all going to be swept away sooner or later. I resign myself to the fact that I'm going to spend the next 4 months miserable, unable to sit on a couch comfortably or roll over in bed with out careful choreography.

This, though, this can't just be the way it is. I think I must be coming down with something. I'm not in a mood to do anything. I don't want to eat, I don't want to knit, I don't want to go to the gym, and I most certainly do not want to go to work. Pretty much just lying in bed in my bathrobe sounds good. Nothing else. I don't like being around people because it's hard to lie when I answer the question "how are you?" This week, my answer has been "sick of being pregnant. I want a break." That's not actually true. I don't need a break. Being pregnant hasn't been that difficult. Sure, none of my pants fit, but who needs pants when you have the softest bathrobe on earth? I think I need a break from everything: from work, from home, from my routine of things to do on a daily basis. I just want to float in a little nothing time, where I don't have to get anything done and I don't feel bad for not doing anything. Just a little time off from being Laura. It's exhausting sometimes.

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