plums in bloom

catching up

2009-09-14T12:44:00.004-05:00

Oh, poor forgotten blog.

I have not had time for writing about what's going on in our life right now. I often think of how much I'd like to be recording it, but with the business, the baby, and the toddler, there's no time.

Here's the briefest of updates:

I feel like we've really hit our stride in the last few weeks. The first 2 months of Nova's life we all had it pretty tough. Dave was working constantly at the store, I was still getting the hang of having two-at-once (one of whom has a nasty habit of pouncing on the smaller one) and Gus was not sleeping. Then all of a sudden: big improvement. Gus's vocabulary exploded, and Nova got past those first 6 weeks of newborn-ness. Now that Gus is able to express himself, we're all a little less frustrated. He can make his desires known, he can use words when he's frustrated, and he can understand more when we aren't letting him have what it is he wants. His sleep patterns returned to what they were before the baby was born, and things have been great for Gus. We've moved past board books and he will now sit for most of an hour reading books to himself, or sitting while we read to him. Just today at the thrift store, I picked up 10 new books, and yesterday at the library, 5. He loves reading, he loves talking, he is amazing and I can't believe how much he's turned into a little boy in just a few short weeks. A quick list of some of the words Gus knows:

walk, dog, leash, outside, inside, up, down, eat, food, drink, milk, juice, water, potato, tomato, cheese, cottage cheese, sauce, fork, spoon, cup, plate, bowl, coffee, beer, ding, floor, wall, stove, hot, on, off, light, steps, couch, chair, baby, dinosaur, book, read, sit, nap, sleep, bottle, window, car, truck, go, bike, helicopter, airplane, honk, vroom, sneeze, slide, climb, sand box, throw, hit, no, cry, momma, poppa, blanket, tools, fix, break, wash, wipe, bath, boat, moon, head, hair, nose, mouth, teeth, brush, eyes, ears, fingers, hands, arms, elbow, belly, leg, knee, toes, foot, hug, run, kick, jump, pants, clothes, shirt, Gus, hat, socks, shoes, boots, potty, bed, train, ball, cookies, cheese, pizza, pasta, orange, banana, berries, apple, grapes, peas, flowers, frog, watering can, tree, cow, duck, goose, chicken, pig, sheep, turkey, goat, cat, dog, bird, fish, zebra, monkey, giraffe, elephant, fox, lion, squirrel, rhinoceros, bear,

the list could go on and on and on. He knows many more words than this, but I cannot list them all. So far as I know, that's pretty advanced for a little guy who is not quite 18 months. I continue to be impressed with how bright he is and how much he loves to talk. Dave often says that he'll miss the babbling, the one word sentences, or the constant monologue - often we're in the car and it's quiet and Gus will pipe up, "Cow. moo moo!" or the name of someone we've just seen or a place we've just been. I know that monologue will be internalized someday, and I'll miss knowing exactly what he's thinking about.

And then there's the bee. I haven't had any time to write about what an absolute angel she is. I took time this afternoon because I couldn't help it - we're moving Gus's nap to the afternoon, and I knew I'd be alone here today to try to get him to go down. Previously Dave and I were doing naptime together in the morning, so someone could watch her and the other could put Gus down. I knew in order to rock Gus for his nap, I'd have to have a sleeping baby. Maybe she's reading my mind. At 12:30, I put her in her bassinet. She stuck her thumb in her mouth and was asleep in just a few minutes. She's still sleeping now, and that's one the amazing things about her. I never would have hoped that at 2 months she's start sleeping through the night, but she does. I joked with many friends before she was born "we're going to teach this one to sleep" but we didn't have to teach her - she just did it. She sleeps so well, and she's quiet as a mouse. The other morning she even woke up with a dry diaper. When I was little and thought about what babies were like - this was it.

She rarely cries, even when she's had a cup of milk chucked at her head or someone has bit her foot (any guesses who did both of those things last week?) She loves to be held and will giggle and google at whoever is nearest. She's lovely to have in the store, and people will often be shopping for awhile or talking to me before they even realize I'm holding her. She's an absolute peanut, little angel, sleeps great and is simply lovely. I don't remember a lot of Gus's first few weeks. I don't think he was awful, but I know for certain that we heard him scream, and he brought me to tears more than once. Maybe that's just how it goes with your first, so when you get to number 2 you just get to enjoy it. I'm enjoying my time with her so much I can't even describe.

I believe others who have told me that their kids personalities were there right from the very start. Even though Gus is only 1 and a half, he has always been hard headed and determined. Some might call him stubborn and single minded. If I had to choose adjectives for Nova the would be happy, easy going, and joyful. We adore her right down to the tips of her toes, and my only regret is that I haven't written much about her early infancy. She's super fantastic, and that makes this part of our life even more rewarding and fun. Now back to cleaning records!

is big

2009-06-10T21:03:00.002-05:00

My belly is gigantic. It may be taking over. I went and looked back at the archives. Remember last time? Apparently I felt just about the same about the belly taking over right about this point with Gus. It must just be a 38 week pregnant thing. (and yes, I know I'm not technically 38 weeks yet, but at this point - I'm rounding up).

is this what they call nesting?

2009-06-05T20:49:00.002-05:00

I didn't really get the nesting thing when I was pregnant with Gus. The only thing I remember is the night before I went into labor I made apricot soup. Honestly, I don't like apricots and I'm not the biggest fan of soup, so it was a very strange thing to do. It didn't turn out that well, and I think it was tossed out a few weeks later because I never ate the left overs. This time, maybe I'm getting a little more of that nesting urge. See this?

Those are birth announcements. All ready to go, addressed and everything. All they need is a name and a date:

(I realize you can't see that. It says "________ was born ___________ to Laura and Dave"

Any day now....

35 weeks

2009-05-28T20:55:00.002-05:00

The baby is the size of a honeydew melon this week, and oh how remiss I've been in comparing my unborn child to pieces of fruit. Little one is hiccuping right now, pushing the laptop off my belly. It reminds me of when I was pregnant with Gus and I would work from home - he hated the laptop sitting on top of him and would give me the hardest kicks to get rid of it. It must have given off a sound that I couldn't hear but he could. The little guy sure could deliver kicks to the ribcage.

This little one seems much more content to just hang out on my left side. The baby hasn't moved much since settling down there. There are plenty of kicks and punches, but not so much rolling over. Just sitting on the left, waiting for the right day to arrive. It's hard to believe that I'll cross the 36 week mark in just a few days. I've said it many times, I hope this one comes early. We've got most of the supplies for the birth ready, and that still feels a little unreal. Since we bought the store 3 weeks ago, we haven't had much time to breathe, let alone get the house ready for a newborn. Next week, Dave will be done with his full time job, and we'll have a chance to slow down and catch up just in time to welcome the little one. We're so excited and can't wait until the wee one arrives. That combined with my overwhelming desire to not be pregnant, and I'm starting to get a little impatient. I say often that it feels like I've been pregnant for years. I have in fact, been pregnant for nearly 2 years with a 6 month hiatus. I'm still trying to remember why I thought that was a good idea last fall. Alas, no more than 5 weeks to go - compared with how far I've already come it just doesn't seem like that much longer.

We're ready when you are, kid-o. Just don't go taking your time. If this pregnancy sees the dawn of July, I just might start to go a little wacky.

the good, and the not-so-good

2009-05-22T11:19:00.002-05:00

the good: no one knows when I eat two bags of chips with my lunch
the not-so-good: still feeling guilty about two bags of chips

the good: felt all special when another pregnant lady said she was impressed I was on my bike today
the not-so-good: she has no idea that I had to stop and walk up a very, very small hill (I blame Gus, he's over 20 pounds!)

the good: 5 hours in the store today while the little guy plays at his grandma's house
the not-so-good: I worry that between the 10 minute morning nap and the serious molars coming in, he's being a menace.

the good: we are so ready for this baby
the not-so-good: except we still haven't agreed on a boy name.

the good: the weather is fantastic and beautiful
the not-so-good: I only have 2 pairs of pants that fit me, and absolutely no skirts or shorts

the good: I love owning this business. We've only been doing this for 3 weeks and already feel like it's one of the best decisions we've ever made
the not-so-good: dear lord, I am tiiiiiiiiiired

the good: long weekend! Dave is home on Monday! Family visiting! Yay!
the not-so-good: seriously, did I mention the tired?

All in all, the good absolutely outweighs the not-so-good. We are both so excited for the little baby to arrive, we just can't wait. I tell myself the little one will be early, though it would also be nice to have a few days once Dave's school year ends before the birth. Even still, I'm ready to be done with pregnancy and am eagerly anticipating sleepless nights, extra diapers, and spit up. Just to be able to stand up or roll over without help would be a step in the right direction.

It's going to be a fantastic summer.

the plum is in bloom

2009-05-04T17:15:00.002-05:00

The plum tree started to bloom today.

This means many things - spring is officially here, and I'm celebration a blog-o-versary. Can I really have been randomly posting thoughts here for 2 years? That seems un-possible, but when I look back, it's true. My first post was April 27, 2007.

Dave and I planted the gorgeous plum on our first wedding anniversary. This year, it's 5 years, and we'll have two babies to celebrate with us.

Yay! Things couldn't be better.

coming up for air (but not really)

2009-05-03T20:31:00.002-05:00

Dave and I and Gus have survived our first weekend as business owners! It was a busy, hectic, and fun weekend. And oh, what a lot of work. Gus did great being in the store, I think he's getting used to the idea. I'll have some helpers this week while we continue to figure that whole scene out. I'm hoping that we'll get some new, very fun toys that he gets to play with there, as well as being able to take breaks and walks when I've got someone watching the counter. May will be hard, Dave and I know that - but the hard part comes now when we actually have to run the store while Dave keeps his full time job.

Dave is amazing and diving into this project full force. He's already moving on the reorganization we had planned (I honestly didn't think that would happen for at least a few weeks, if not months) and he's putting new merchandise out at a rapid speed. I'm trying to learn as much as I can as fast as I can about the music, while also arranging meetings and working the business side of things. Fortunately the business side of things wasn't very well organized before, so most of the people I meet with and talk with are so surprised I have any clue what's going on that they're more than gracious if I take a little extra time or need a little bit more explanation. Mostly I know what I'm doing, so that feels good. The banking is behind us now, along with the initial set up and change over of business accounts.

It's scary and strange to be doing this right now, and were trying not to get overwhelmed. Dave is doing much better at that than I am. It's funny how things never go according to plan - we decided to have baby number 2 pretty quickly after Gus was born, but we had no idea this business would fall into our lap before the pregnancy was over. I know in a year (or maybe sooner) we'll look back at how well we coped, but looking forward right now is a little intimidating.

I'm so glad for all the support from friends and family that we've had. Nothing can beat people stopping by, coming in to say congratulations, offering to help in any way. And for those who are too far away or too busy to offer that, just the support and positive "You can do it!" thinking has totally helped us get through the red tape of the last 2 months. We're so glad that we've gotten this far. Just a few more weeks and we'll be walking to work together, one baby in the wagon, one in the sling. Working in the shop all day, coming home together at night. Now that's a dream come true.

kinda cute when they're little

2009-04-28T13:22:00.002-05:00

A baby squirrel was hanging out in our front yard today. I've never seen one so small. The flower box he's standing on is maybe 4 or 5 inches across.

He was making some crazy squealing sounds. I don't know where he's gone now, but I'm afraid to let the dog out, lest she find him and try to eat him. While I don't like squirrels, I really don't want to deal with the dog killing one.

Also, he's kinda cute.

finally going forward!

2009-04-21T14:52:00.002-05:00

We finally got news today that our bank loan has been approved and we can go forward with the purchase of our business. Yay! A million phone calls to make, enlisting friends to watch Gus while I get oriented on how to run the store, plus feeling like we finally know what's happening and planning for the next 3 months

For now phone calls - commercial insurance policy? check!
business accounts? check!
credit card processing? check!
business cards? check!
newspaper reporter? check!

It's all coming together, and we couldn't be happier. Yay!

Dave's springtime garden update

2009-04-17T20:34:00.002-05:00

Seeds have been sown : springtime greens, radishes, broccoli. More to come soon!

Garlic is sprouting!

And the flowers are coming back. Here is the crocus I planted last year around this time when I was feeling blue. The tulips are popping up in places we'd forgotten, getting ready to surprise us with their colors, and lillies and sedums abound!

for the record

2009-04-17T06:58:00.001-05:00

I am not oven, baby is not bun. Hate that phrase.

exhausted, and catching up

2009-04-13T13:32:00.002-05:00

Gus has been sleeping through the night recently, which is nice - to say the very least. He goes down at 8 and gets up at 6. And while I worry and jump at every noise thinking it's going to wake him (last night the baby gate fell on the wood floor and the dog barked right next to his door) nothing does. It's proof to me that attachment parenting works and that letting a child cry by themselves alone in a room does not teach them anything other than that you won't respond to them no matter how upset they get. I'm grateful for the sleep, but I feel like getting more sleep actually makes me more tired during the day. I guess the human body can adapt, and mine has adapted to less sleep. Getting 8 solid hours now makes me groggy in the morning and sleepy during the day. I try not to nap, since that doesn't seem to make me feel more awake.

It's possibly just a stage of the pregnancy too. Now in my 7th month, I'm feeling so very pregnant. I feel like this pregnancy has been so much physically harder, though it could just be selective memories. My back aches at the end of the day (don't remember my back aching until 9 months last time) and just going up the stairs is exhausting. Of course I'm usually carrying a little guy up the stairs with me, one who squirms and looks around, tries to get down, wants to be picked back up again, then put back down. I keep reminding myself that last time around, I was sleeping 8 hours a night, taking it easy in the evening, and spending 8 hours at my office, mostly sitting. I don't get nearly as much time to rest, even though I'm home for most of the week.

I'm looking forward to this summer for so many reasons. Gus will hopefully learn to go down stairs instead of just up, so I can stop freaking out every time he gets to the top of a step, looks down, and smiles gleefully as if he's about to take a step. He will also hopefully learn to stop eating dirt. That's just a pain in the butt - we love playing outside, but it is inevitable that he will get a handful of dirt and shove it in his mouth just as you get to him. We go in once he does that, but he's still too little to understand consequences. I'm asking the doctor about it next week - how much dirt can really hurt him? Can I just let him eat it until he learns it doesn't taste good? I'm also excited because a lot of the house plants will go outside, and I can finally stop blockading him from half of the dining room. For more than 2 minutes, the dining chairs may be at the table, instead of laying on their sides.

I'm also really looking forward to those newborn days with the new little baby. Last time we had so much happening that we didn't get to just stare and awe and goo at the baby. Dave will be home most of the summer, and if things go as planned, he'll spend a lot of time taking Gus over to the store with him after the baby is born, and I can sit, relax, nurse, and - huzzah! set the baby down and walk away for 2 seconds. I'm looking forward to those days of carrying little baby in the sling again, just all that closeness and sweet baby near you. I know there will be night wakings again and all the other difficult things that go with little babies, but this time the learning curve isn't so steep, there isn't so much to figure out all at once.

ugh

2009-04-04T16:45:00.003-05:00

It's been nearly a month since I've posted, and I'm feeling a little bad about that. There's been plenty to post about, Gus had his first birthday, we moved his blog to include his little sibling, the purchase of the store is still in process, we bought a new computer... and surprisingly I haven't had a lot of computer time.

I will say these last three days have been simply awful. Both Dave and I came down with a bug that involves gastrointestinal acrobatics the likes of which neither of us have seen for awhile. It's officially the first time I've tossed my cookies while pregnant, so I guess I could be grateful that I'm not one of those unluckies who spends their first and third trimester kneeling in front of the toilet. Now, though, I'm sitting still and getting fluids, as per midwife recommendation. I was having Braxton Hicks contractions this afternoon, a few more than one should like to have. Apparently dehydration can cause contractions, so I'm trying to sit still, rest, and get plenty to drink. Certainly not an easy thing for me to do, especially because extra fluids means extra trips to the bathroom, and a little one on the inside thinks it's particularly fun to poke toes into my bladder when it's full.

So here I sit, trying to enjoy the new computer and not feel frustrated that Dave - who is also under the weather - is doing the shopping, the Gus care, and cooking dinner. I'm not used to sitting still, but a threat like having to go into the hospital for preterm labor should be enough to keep me in my seat for the rest of the day. This pregnancy has been so much harder physically. I didn't expect it to be so different from the first one, but it has been. That's a story for another day. I'm off to see what kind of widgets I can download.

prediction

2009-03-13T13:43:00.002-05:00

The older Indian woman behind the counter smiled as I approached. She pointed at my round belly and asked, "Are you carrying a girl?"

I shrugged and laughed a little at her question. "I don't know," I said, "I'll find out in a few months."

She laughed too, maybe a little embarrassed for asking. She glanced up at me. "It looks like it's a girl." She gave me a stern nod.

Perhaps it is. No feelings yet, but in just over 3 months we'll have our answer!

24 weeks

2009-03-08T21:26:00.002-05:00

The little baby is almost a foot long now according to baby center, and if you can't picture a foot, you should try picturing an ear of corn. Maybe that will help? The little baby continues to kick like crazy, and Dave and I have officially and finally started our names list. I know, I know - I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and we just started the list. We've been busy, folks, and it's not like we haven't talked about names at all.... it's just that we hadn't got around to making a list yet. As with Gus, it is much easier for us to come up with boy names. I'll be renting some name books from the library and checking out the baby name voyager again soon.

please note

2009-03-01T14:44:00.002-06:00

Please note: By my last post, I did not in any way mean to insinuate that my husband is actually being anything other than lovely. I meant only to tell you all that I am being completely unreasonable and overly weepy. In a word, pregnant. Things will improve this week. They must.

I saw our midwives today. The baby has been kicking like mad, which is fun and great to feel all the movements. The heart rate was around 150, I think officially 148, which is normal and perfect. I'm doing really well physically, no more sciatic nerve pain now that the baby has moved up and off my spine. I'm so glad for that. In general, just feeling a little tired and a little hungry. Clothes aren't fitting, and I'm wondering what I'll wear over the next four months (since all of my really big maternity clothes are long sleeved - last time I was done in March!) but I'm hoping that will simply work itself out. I'm glad to know that spring is just around the corner, and already the extra sunlight is affecting my mood. I love all these bright days, even if it's only 15 degrees right now. You can feel the snap in the air that means warmer weather is on the way. As Gus's birthday nears, I'm struck so often by the "I can't believe it's been a year" feeling. More on that another time. The little bear is napping, so I'm off to try to get a few rows of knitting done before he wakes up.

Oh - one last thought. Lost of people have been tsk tsking recently, now that I'm visibly pregnant. Comments like, "are you crazy?" and "oh, you're going to have your hands full" with "two under two" have been rampant among old and new friends. I mostly laugh it off, thinking that these aren't folks who spend a lot of time with Gus so they don't know how delightful he is and how he really is only fussy if he's sick or not feeling well. They don't know how great he's getting at entertaining himself, or how much he's started to enjoy exploring and playing with his toys and with other kids. Mostly, though, the one thing I want to tell them is something I heard from a mother of 12: One child can take all of your time; two can take no more. So there. Yes, we will have our hands full. But so what? We already do!

22 weeks

2009-02-27T13:28:00.003-06:00

This is the graphic from zero to forty for this week:

and this is SOOOOO me today. Up down, highs lows... As amalah herself put it: "Blissfully happy and belly-rubbing one minute, wracked with anxiety and worry the next. Affectionately hoping your baby looks just like your partner one minute, hating their damn guts and ass face the next. Rawr."

The beginning of the third trimester is spitting distance from here. I may just make it.

bumpy road

2009-02-26T10:50:00.002-06:00

This week was full of the blues. That pregnancy funk hit all of a sudden and I was in a terrible, terrible mood for a few days. Compounded with Gus not sleeping and a very IMPORTANT bank meeting, it just wasn't a winner of a week. I forgot about how those mood swings sometimes strike out of nowhere. I'm glad to say this is really the first and the worst it's been, and that I'm feeling much sunnier today (just in time for some snow!) I'm lucky to have Dave who takes Gus so I can take a long bath, knit, and even stops for falafel for me from my favorite place.

We're slowly plodding forward with the business purchase, the bank meeting was a positive one, and we should hear back today or tomorrow. Next step, getting a signed purchase agreement and renegotiating the lease. This is starting to feel like a real job!

dreams

2009-02-23T07:15:00.003-06:00

I've been putting together a video of all of our little video clips over the past year for something to show on Gus's birthday in a few weeks. Watching all the little videos again has brought me back to those first months, and it's made me think about the birth of baby v. 2.0 a lot. I've been dreaming about the baby, last night I dreamt that I gave birth to triplets, two boys and a girl. Dave says I've mentioned a lot of dreams about multiples. I don't think I'm having more than one baby, but apparently my subconscious is.

I'm feeling now the way that I think I felt in November and December of 2007. At that time I was trying to spend as much "couple time" with Dave as possible, feeling that this was the end of our little family of 2. It wasn't a sad thing, just a different thing. I was getting used to the idea of there being 3 of us, and wanting to cherish the time left when it was just us. Now it's the same, but different. I'm trying to pack in as much "3 of us" time as possible, spending time with Gus and Dave and our little family before it grows again. I know that Gus won't remember this time, he's only 11 months, but I feel a little sorry that his time with just us was so short. Often that first child gets more time to be the only child, and his time is limited now. I know he'll love the little baby and be terribly interested in him or her. I have no idea what 15 month old Gus will be like, I just know that 4 months in the world of a child his age is quite a long time developmentally. I know there will be an adjustment period that will be hard for all of us, but honestly - there's no way it could be as hard as the first 3 months of Gus's life. I guess I'm feeling a little worried too. I already know who Gus is, I know what we've got: a charming little monster with a very happy disposition who -yes - doesn't sleep through the night, but for the most part is an absolute angel. He rarely has meltdowns, and I like to think of him as "determined" instead of stubborn. I know he'll continue to grow and change, but for the most part we know what this child is like. The next baby is a completely unknown, and therefore something to worry a bit about.

The baby is moving and kicking like crazy so far, so chances are that he/she is going to be the same kind of mover that Gus is. I know my ribs were sore at times from the severe kicks he delivered to me, and he wanted to be pushing up onto his feet right from the beginning. He's a very physical child, that's for sure, using his cement block head to knock us out in bed, or climbing everything from the coffee table to the book shelves. I think he's a lot like Dave, constantly in motion, never happy sitting still. I'm sure that won't translate well into sitting in a desk for 13 years, but we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I'm going to take his hand and practice walking. He's getting pretty good at it.

22 weeks

2009-02-22T13:44:00.001-06:00

I can't tell you honestly how big the little baby is this week. I missed the weekly update, or maybe I haven't got it yet. I'm 22 weeks, and feeling like I'm really pregnant all of a sudden. The baby is moving a ton, and I can even feel some of the bigger kicks on the outside. The baby always stops just as I get Dave over to feel the kicking, but I bet soon he'll be able to feel it too. I was just about to sit down and write a long post about how this is the easy part of pregnancy and mostly I feel really great, just big now, when the little one sitting next to me just threw up blueberries all over himself. So much for that delicious breakfast. Must clean up...

been here, done this

2009-02-11T10:02:00.002-06:00

Dave and I spend a lot less time talking and pondering about this pregnancy than we did the first time around. On the one hand, I feel a little bad about that - like we're not taking the time or the interest we did in the first baby. On the other hand - I think that's just the nature of second children. You don't have as much time to sit around and think "Wow! I'm pregnant!" because you've already got one little monster to chase around. It's nice to finally feel the little baby kicking, that's making it a lot more real. Honestly, though, as I approach the 5 month mark on this pregnancy - we don't even have a list of names yet.

I keep saying there are too many balls in the air, and it's true. There's a lot to juggle right now. We're getting our stuff together to actually buy the record store, Gus is taking more steps every day, working on walking. The weather is improving, so we're spending more time outside, walking to the library and other places. I work, Dave works, and in the meantime we try to see friends and entertain once in awhile. That's a lot to keep going right now, especially with all the working that Dave is doing. It's hard to be home without him, and I'm looking forward to this long weekend when he will be around. Time is so relative. It seems like June is just a breath away and this second baby will be here in no time, but hearing from the store owners that they're setting a March 1 deadline feels like ages and ages from now. 2 and a half whole weeks! That's forever!

We can see where we're going, see that in a few months, we'll have big garden, two babies at home, and Dave will be leaving his job so that we can both work at the store full time. It's easy to see that big picture, but it's a challenge to see the little steps that have to take place to actually achieve that picture. One step at a time, one bridge to cross per day. There are so many times in my life where I've wished I could play it all in slow motion, and this is one of the only times that I wish I could just push the fast forward button and see how it all turns out.

don't tell me...

2009-02-06T07:29:00.002-06:00

I know, I know, there have been very few posts recently. Things have been hard going for a little while, there are a lot of balls in the air right now.

In the meantime, Gus is thisclose to taking his first step. In fact, he took a little shuffle yesterday that could possibly be considered his first step, but I'm waiting to declare it until he actually lifts his foot. It's right around the corner, and this time I'm not exaggerating. Walking before 11 months. Yay!

so big

2009-01-30T14:09:00.002-06:00

Can't believe how big he is some times. Just yesterday he was my itty bitty baby. Now he's pounding on the piano as he tears past on his way to the kitchen (and the dog's dishes). Slow down, little one!

news?

2009-01-27T13:22:00.002-06:00

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and the baby is the size of a bell pepper. I'm also feeling under the weather and would like to curl up in bed with a book and some tea. Gus has other plans. Why is it that his plans almost never involve curling up under some blankets on a cold day?

In other news, Dave and I are doing our best to buy a local business. We've put in an offer and it looks like they've accepted it and the purchase agreement is in the draft stages. I can see it now - when the news people come to interview me after the aliens attack, under my name it will no longer say "local woman" but instead, "local business owner". Can't hardly believe it! Yay!

beer making

2009-01-20T08:37:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, Dave bottled the nut brown ale that he made just before new years.

It's just shy of two cases, and we think it's going to be good.

Gus helped, as he always does. The warning on this bucked always cracks me up - not because it's funny that a baby can drown in a bucket, but because it's just a comical drawing. Here's Gus not following the warning.

And here he is using his tiptoes to look inside.

Tiptoes are cute.

remembering

2009-01-15T20:14:00.006-06:00

One of my favorite books of poetry is "You Won't Remember This" by Michael Dennis Browne. I had Professor Browne for a summer poetry class I took at the U, and after taking it I bought his book. I still see him from time to time, shopping at the co-op, which I think is pretty neat.

Anyway, the book is poems about his kids, mostly, and the title poem "You Won't Remember This" has stayed with me. Here's the first part:

You lift your arms to your head,
which looks so dark, then turn
to lie on your side, the fluid
swilling in your abdomen.
The radiologist says:

"Anything dark is liquid,
anything white is muscle,
anything gray is bone."

These like the moon pictures,
wavering, grainy, the lens
lurching, and again you turn;
that shadowy bulb is your head,
those snow streaks your muscles,
those blurred tundras your bones.

you won't remember this

At ten days
you look lonely.
You seem between countries.

You look at me briefly,
not with interest.
You give no sign.

I toss you shreds of song
to where you lie,
down in the cradle canyon,
looking up.

Remote to you my moon
drifts over the rim

You lie,
looking up.

you won't remember this

Today your first injection,
and tonight you cry, your thigh
throbbing. Now you have fallen
asleep on my left shoulder,
lying across my heart.

you won't remember this

You don't want to go
to day care today; you weep,
you cling to my leg,
you roll your eyes:
oh no oh no; all the sorrows
of my mother in my daughter.

you won't remember this

I hear a moaning from upstairs;
slowly you descend--whooo whooo whooo --
over your head the nibbled blanket;
on the last tread trip, topple
--oops! oops! --
and I gather up my ghost.

you won't remember this

It's a phrase and a poem that often comes to mind in this first year with Gus and now with this second pregnancy. So much of our early lives is gone to our memories, but so much of it is formative, I think. Attitudes about food, about life, and love - all these feelings and learning about life are being formed now, while he's only so wee.

Last night, standing in the kitchen. He'd kicked out of his pants and his shirt was half undone. Standing, throwing the tupperware over his head, I couldn't help by think " you won't remember this." Oh, but I will sweet one. It's moments like these I hope I never forget.

so cold

2009-01-15T07:53:00.002-06:00

Normally, I'm not one to complain about the cold. Really - I like winter and I like living in Minnesota in the cold months. I get annoyed when long time residents complain about the weather and generally think - if you don't like the cold, then move. But this? Well this is just something else.

That's right, it says "Pipe-rupturing, battery-draining cold" and above, it says today's high will be -5 , and will feel like -30. That's just outright insane.

This column tells me today is the coldest morning in the twin cities since January 30, 2004, which blows my mind a little bit. 5 years ago we were living in the little house without a furnace, and Dave was leaving for work at 6 am. I don't remember it being this cold, so the heat of new love must have been keeping us warm.

The thermometer on our porch only goes down to -10. This morning it looked like this:

Yowza. Don't worry. Gus and I are still planning to walk to our class this afternoon. It'll be warmer by 1:00, right?

16 weeks

2009-01-12T13:31:00.002-06:00

I know, this post needs a photo. I do not have one. Rest assured that I am indeed showing already, and I have not felt the baby move yet. According to babycenter.com, the little one is the size of an avocado this week. I was shocked to weigh myself at the gym (yay me! I went to the gym!) last night and find out that I have not gained any weight. Apparently my belly is sticking out, I feel bloated and huge, and I weigh the exact same as I did 10 weeks ago. Pregnancy is weird.

I was looking back recently, seeing what I posted about this early stage of pregnancy with Gus. I really enjoyed reading those old posts, and I'm looking forward to reading more. So far it seems as if things are just about the same as far as how I'm feeling and what I'm doing. A little less conscious of what I eat, a little more lax about the whole working out thing, but for the most part the pregnancies are similar so far.

In other news, it was a busy weekend. Gus went to both an art opening and an art museum, yet we did not bring the cameras At the museum he saw a string quartet, which was pretty neat. He got a visit from his grand-dad, and got to eat a delicious blueberry pancake at Al's (he gets to do that most weekends). We both got to see our midwives and that's always fun. They love seeing Gus, and I appreciate that they come to me this time around. Not exactly relaxing, but definitely a lot of fun.

books

2009-01-08T08:55:00.003-06:00

I read a lot in 2008. For all those parenting books that say it will be many years before you finish a book again, I say ppppppptbtt. After Gus was a few months old, it was impossible to knit while nursing. There's a lot of nursing...so what was I supposed to do?

All the Fishes Come Home To Roost by Rachel Manjia Brown was by far my favorite book this year. I may have technically read it in 2007, but lordy, this book was good.

I Was Told There'd be Cake by Sloane Crosley was also a favorite. It's rare for me to read nonfiction, but this book was hilarious and fun to read.

Also this year, I read the Narnia books again, The Old Man and the Sea (Hemingway), The Grapes of Wrath (Steinbeck), The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea (Mishimia), Pigs in Heaven (Kingsolver), and a few random things from the library that aren't immediately coming to mind. It was nice to check some big ones off the list, so I can no longer claim that despite the English degree I've never read Hemingway or Steinbeck. I still find that shocking how little you have to read to get a degree in literature, but honestly I think the University is so concerned with getting you out that they don't care how you do it. They're cranking out those liberal arts degrees, sending us all out into the world totally equipped to diagram a sentence and write a book report.

vegetables

2009-01-07T14:24:00.003-06:00

This is more fun that babycenter. And has different vegetables. This week - the baby is the size of a beefsteak tomato! Who knew?

glamour shot

2009-01-06T14:00:00.000-06:00

Mo, the bad cat.

knitting

2009-01-06T08:25:00.004-06:00

There was lots of knitting in 2008, but unfortunately since I kept up neither my ravelry page or my blog, I can't name all of the things. I know that there were 6 pairs of picky pants, but I only know that because I see them in the morning when I get the baby dressed. There were untold hats and mittens, and no new scarves this year, though we very much need some new scarves. I finished this hat yesterday:
and let me tell you, I think it is hilarious. I have a box full of old acrylic yarn that I picked up at a garage sale last year or maybe the year before. Every now and again when I need something small, I pull that box of acrylic out, and I almost always love the results. This hat is ridiculous, and just what Gus needed (those are the newest picky pants in the photo too).

So my 2008 knitting round up isn't very impressive. I started a big quilt project too, but I clearly haven't photographed that yet either. Maybe 2009 will be a better year for documenting my projects -but from the looks of that little pregnancy counter on the sidebar, I wouldn't count on it.

things you maybe didn't know about me

2009-01-03T16:05:00.004-06:00

1. I hate getting out of the shower. It sometimes takes me a few minutes to talk myself into turning off the water and stepping into the bathroom. Especially during the winter.

2. I learned to knit 8 years ago, and I have only owned 1 tape measure and 1 darning needle.

3. I have made many boxes of macaroni & cheese in my life, and I still read the instructions every time.

4. I think people who buy one-ply toilet paper are really missing out on the finer things in life.

5. Wearing sunglasses makes me feel like Joe Cool. My shirt usually has snot on it, my socks frequently don't match and it's been years since I've work earrings, but putting on sunglasses suddenly makes me feel like I'm totally put together.

so big

2008-12-16T09:15:00.002-06:00

We were at a friend's house last night celebrating a birthday. Gus and Dave got to go early, and I had to be at a work meeting. I came later, and when I arrived, Gus was swinging in the arms of a friend who we don't see very often. I was surprised at first, since little August has been going through a bit of a separation anxiety/stranger anxiety phase. It's not a terrible one, I would say - he's just been reluctant to let us out of his sight and very reluctant to be handed to strangers. I think it comes with face recognition and now he's sure who he knows and who he doesn't, he doesn't like the idea of hanging out with new people as much as he did when he was just a wee one.

Anyway, our friend who was holding him kept noting how small and cuddly he is. I think the opposite! This little guy is all legs and arms when I pick him up. No more baby bundle from last summer. He's long and lean and squirmy, rarely cuddly. He'll be 9 months this week, and it seems like he's already a toddler, no longer a baby. I know it's cliche to say it, but oh - it just goes so damn fast. My little baby is on the brink of walking and talking, and I'm nostalgic for just a few months past.

It's so fun to spend time with him, watching him try new sounds and check out new stuff. He tries so hard to mimic us, and is terribly determined. I knew we'd be overwhelmed with love for our little baby, but sometimes it still just takes my breath away, how powerful that feeling is. He's such a fun little guy, I feel lucky to be his mama.

Notice anything new?

2008-12-15T15:53:00.002-06:00

Yes kids! The baby ticker is back again! Baby #2 should be arriving sometime in late June 2009. To answer your first question, yes - we were trying. Why is that an appropriate question to ask someone? To answer your second question, yes - I plan to give birth at home again. We've already seen our favorite midwives twice, and last week got to hear the heartbeat!

It took me a little while to get used to the idea of being pregnant again, but as the first trimester wanes, I remember the bliss of tri-2, and I'm hoping for a repeat. I think my biggest complaints about the first pregnancy came mostly at the very end, so for now we're just keeping busy. Little Gus keeps us hopping! I feel like I'm already cheating my second child by not keeping up with blog posts about how lovely the pregnancy is. I will once again renew my attempts to post regularly.

In the meantime, we've been posting at Gusmonster, planning a move to a new baby blog, I'm knitting as always, and I'm nearly done with my first ever real full sized quilt. I think the finished product will be something like 6 and a half feet square. I'll get some photos up soon!

dear blog, I'm sorry

2008-11-03T14:51:00.002-06:00

Dear blog,

I'm so sorry that I haven't been around much recently. You see, things come up and you're just no longer even close to the top of the to-do list. Right now, for example, I'm in my office (I come in only one day a week) and I am alternating between printing the agendas for tonight's community meeting and stopping August from knocking the lit rack over on himself - again, eating coasters that he found somewhere, and chewing on power cords. The whole "bring baby to work" thing was great when he was mesmerized by the ceiling fan. Those days are gone, and now he requires either constant hovering in order to keep him out of harm's way, or if I'm lucky - he'll fall asleep.

This whole blog thing was easier in the past as well when we had two computers at home. One home one, and my work laptop. Now it's just the one, and I don't get as much internet time. Again, blog is not at the top of the to-do list. I have to update ravelry!

Anyway, things are going decently well. Gus continues to wake at night, but there are nights like last night when he only gets up 3 times. Of course, there are also nights like last Thursday when neither Dave nor I at any point were able to fall asleep, what with the crying, the asleep-crying, and the being punched in the face by our lovely first born. I have a new strategy and outlook and am hoping that we can do more to get him to sleep more (aside to day light savings time - I despise you).

I will try to update poor ol' plums in bloom more often. Because August wants to spend so much time exploring his world, I'm getting many knitting projects done, along with a ton of reading. I'm so glad that it's winter again, my thoughts have turned to making blankets. I've got a few things to finish before I buy yarn again, but I can dream. Maybe this winter I'll finally get around to that etsy shop too. So many folks have expressed interest and delight in Gus's knitted pants that I have seriously considered selling them. Any thoughts? Based on the reactions I get from other mothers, I'm guessing that I could sell them for at least $15. And since they take about a week each to make (the smaller the better) I could have a little inventory built up in no time.

That's all for now, dear blog. Gus just knocked over a garbage can for the 3rd time. Maybe it's time I moved it up on the counters. He can't reach up there. At least, not yet.

Truly yours,

-lh-

I'm still here, I swear

2008-10-11T20:12:00.003-05:00

To those of you who still check this blog: I'm very sorry.

I liked the whole blogging thing, but with the updates to Gusmonster and using Ravelry, I haven't had either the time or the inclination to post here. Gus is changing so fast, I swear he's going to be walking before I blink my eyes again. I've been knitting a ton, but the chance to photograph it, upload it, and write about it never really presents itself. The baby is still not sleeping through the night, but we've got some new diaper plans that may improve the 2-3 hours of sleep that we've been getting at night.

In short, here's my lousy excuse for an update. I guess I didn't realize how much updating I did while I was in the office. Take away office - no time for blog!

beginning

2008-09-15T09:17:00.001-05:00

Stocking up for winter. That's butternut squash, picked beets, dilly beans, pizza sauce and cucumber pickles, and it's just the beginning.

a haitus, of sorts

2008-08-22T14:06:00.002-05:00

It's time for a break, folks.

Regular posting will resume once my beloved first born either
1. learns how to nap
2. remembers how to sleep through the night, or
3. walks, talks, and does or taxes

Kidding, of course. I'm taking a break from posting until I'm better rested and have more time to do things like stare at a computer screen. We will continue to post on GUSMONSTER as frequently as it occurs to us.

pupper of the week - forgotten pupper

2008-08-20T08:25:00.002-05:00

I haven't forgotten about the pupper, she's just taken a backseat to all the new things happening. Baby nearly crawling, eating food. Me working a new job. Dave going back to work for another school year. Garden flourishing. Irene is always there, patiently waiting for her time to get some attention from us.

She's had some big changes in her life too. After reading this book, Dave decided to switch her food to Sojos. It's a little more complicated than a scoop of kibble in the morning - now we're mixing food and browning meat for her. So far, she loves it. I'm hoping it will help her be a healthier, happier dog. It's silly, but Dave and I care so much about what we eat (and what little Gus will eat), that we decided we could no longer feed our animals ground up byproducts. In fact all of the ingredients in Sojos are things we would eat ourselves (except the meat, of course). So she's a lucky pupper, who gets fresh cooked ground turkey, beef, and sometimes tuna. I guess she's not forgotten after all.

biking

2008-08-13T09:02:00.004-05:00

I used to be something of a biker. Back, say oh 6 or 7 years ago... I didn't have a car and didn't care much for the bus, so I biked everywhere. I rode critical mass every month, and never thought twice about a long ride. I didn't have a super bike or anything, but I loved my bike and I rode it through the winter. It was easy since I lived close to work and school, and I really enjoyed riding.

After Dave and I met and got together, we biked a lot. He gave me a bike on our first date, in fact - and it still sits in the shed, ready for a ride. He also gave me the bike that I ride today, a baby blue road bike which I adore. It doesn't have a rack on the back so I've been taking his bike recently, but the baby blue will always be my bike even I don't ride it as much as I used to.

Slowly I fell away from biking. Having a professional job was part of it - I suddenly had to look nice at work and not show up all sweaty. Plus pretty frequently I had to drive to suburbs, which meant that I needed the car. Dave and I have long been a one car family, and for awhile in order to use the car I had to drive him to work since he had to be there at some awful hour - before the buses ran and way too early to bike. Then he switched jobs and was able to bike or bus, and I got to take the car more frequently.

2 years ago we bought a station wagon, and it was the first time a car title was actually in my name. It's a silly thing to be proud of really, but I was a little bit. I have a car! It's mine! It has a CD player! It seats 8! I got pretty comfortable with the driving routine, and getting pregnant last summer really sealed the deal. Pregnancy was like a free pass. Don't bike - drive! Take your time! Put your feet up, you're pregnant! That's not to say that I didn't bike or work out at all during pregnancy - I swam laps twice a week up through my 7th month, and I frequently biked to the gym. The days of biking to work were long gone by last year summer though, even though I only lived 2 miles from my office.

The month before the baby was born, Dave's brother gave us a car. We protested at first - we've always just needed one car! But the luxury of having both of us drive to work was sooo nice. I never had to bus while I was 8 and 9 months pregnant, and Dave got home faster so I could do more of that putting up of my feet that I mentioned. After the baby was born though, we knew that there was no reason for us to have 2 cars. Two weeks ago we bid goodbye to the station wagon and now we are once again a one car family.

That means it's high time for me to dust off the ol' blue bike and get biking again. It's been both easier and harder than I thought. For one, we don't have a trailer and Gus is a little small to be pulled yet anyway, so Dave and I don't ever bike anywhere together. That being said, I've been biking to work. There were some skeptics who maybe didn't think I could or would do it (I was honestly one of them) but so far, so good. It's about a 5 mile ride, much further than it was to my old office.

I do it at least once a week, sometimes twice. I feel so terribly proud of myself when I arrive. It's silly really, since I used to hop on and not think twice about 5 miles. Now it's a struggle, and sometimes I get off and walk up the hill at the end. I'm carrying a ton of stuff - my bag, my lunch, my pump - so I feel weighed down. I also just feel older, though it doesn't seem like 5 or 6 years have passed.

I can't wait until the little guy is biking with us, and we can take family trips again. Dave is really the super biker of the two of us - he will bike to work 2 or 3 times a week, and his commute is 14 miles each way. We've got a schedule set up for the fall that will mean that I only really need the car one day each week, but I know he'll choose to bike just because he loves to do it.

I forgot what it's like to get on and just ride for a long time. It's like knitting a little bit - wait, no, really it is. Bicycling only requires a little portion of your brain if you do it long enough. You don't have to think about balance or turning or traffic. You're just watching the road and your body does the rest. Most of my biking time is spent in some deep meditative thought - which exactly what my knitting time is too. Your reflexes just take over, and you go deep into your head. Yeah, I'm sweaty when I get to work and I'm sore when I get home, and sometimes I think about taking the bus because I would get more time to read or knit. In general - I really love biking. And I missed it. It's like seeing an old friend again.

new favorite thing

2008-08-11T18:39:00.002-05:00

Blegh, sorry about all the downer stuff. I'm officially clearing the air.

This is my new favorite thing.

It's the slouchy cardigan from Greetings from Knit Cafe.This was a project I started last summer. I have a distinct memory of bringing it to my first midwife appointment. The nurse asked me if I was knitting something for the baby, and I felt a little bad that I was making something for myself. I think at the time I was around 8 weeks pregnant, so not really something to feel bad about.

It turned out just lovely, and I'm sorry I don't have any idea what sort of yarn I used or the needles. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't do a gauge swatch, and when it was complete, it was way too small. I thought blocking would solve all of my problems - and it did - to some degree.

It's still a little tight, but it looks good. It's way to hot to wear now, being made of alpaca and close fitting. I can't wait for fall to curl up with this one.

I will search for the ball band. I think it might be misti alpaca, but I'm not sure. I had the knitting and most of the seaming done within a month of starting this project - but I became completely stalled when it came to attaching the sleeves and the hood. To this day, I still don't understand how they were supposed to attach. After 10 months on the UFO pile, I finally just dove in. It worked out fine, and I don't remember now what was so confusing. Something about the sleeve caps not fitting into the body at all.

It worked out for the best, and this fall I hope to whip up a quick little hoodie for the baby. With Dave's brown hoodie 95% finished (just waiting for a zipper), I'll have a family of hooded sweaters to show you soon. Yay! Knitting!

just as things settle down

2008-08-11T13:31:00.003-05:00

I'm unsure where I am these days. Some days I feel like we have a routine and we're hitting our stride - like things are settling down and we're beginning to see what normal will be like for the next little bit. Then we have days like yesterday and today, where getting Gus to sleep is a fight, where doing nearly everything is a fight, and the exhaustion creeps up and knocks me down when I'm not expecting it. I'm short with Dave, I'm short with the pets, and though I try not to be - I know I'm short with the baby.

We made it through those first few months on less than 2 hours of sleep at a time. We did this while also mourning Paul, while adjusting to new mama- and papa-hood. We also hosted friends and family on a near daily basis. I don't know how we did it. I look back now and those days are blurry, caught in a fog of half sleep. I don't remember being so sad all the time, then. Maybe I was and I just don't remember it. Or maybe the hormones and the bliss of that little babe soaked up some of the grief so it wasn't so powerful. Each time we mark another month for Gus (he'll be 5 months next week) we also mark another month since Paul died. I hope that I won't spend the rest of my life thinking about Paul each time I think about the birth of August, but for now - at least for the first half of this year - it's impossible to escape.

It ebbs and flows, there's high times and low times. I guess this is one of the low times. I know that no one would say this is supposed to be easy. I know that raising a kid is work, and that work is never done. I can't help but feel guilty when in one minute I'm cursing Paul for being gone - thinking of how much easier it would be to deal with Gus if I didn't have the weight of the grief - and in the next minute cursing Gus - thinking of how much easier it would be to grieve if I didn't have to be playful and happy for baby. It's not fair either way, and I feel awful each time one of those thoughts flits through.

I try to remember to take it one day at a time. To not let little things get under my skin. I try to remember that the most important thing is that we have each other, our little family of 3, and that together we can get through some pretty tough shit. It's hard to see clearly, to guess what's next. It's easier to be sullen and quiet, to spend most of my time in my head.

I know that I don't call friends. I've become terrible about returning calls. I suppose I should be better - but the truth is that I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I assume they think I'm busy with the baby, busy doing baby-n-me classes or whatever it is that new mommas are supposed to do. It's hard to see people, to go places. It's hard to be happy when you feel like hiding under the covers. It's even worse to go out with friends and realize you're the one talking about death and writing a will, when everyone else just wants to talk about the new Batman movie. It's embarrassing, it makes me self conscious. I don't want to be the morbid one who can't get over it - so I just stay in. Don't answer the phone, don't even listen to the messages. There's fewer and fewer calls anyway, so at least I can feel a little less guilty about that.

The baby continues to be the ray of sunshine, even on hard days. He's so bright eyed and happy most of the time, he's just a delight. He keeps me sane, keeps me moving. It sucks to be away from him, I feel a little bit at sea. More and more I have to let go, though. I'm going to be working more, and I think that's a good thing. I have a hard time letting go, letting Dave take him and have fun with him without me. The more I'm at work, the more they'll have a chance to play together and develop their own schedule and routine. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time, right? I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

updating

2008-08-09T14:48:00.002-05:00

I've been spending a ton of time updating my Ravelry page with all the knitted things around the house. Most of them were before the blog or I never got around to blogging about them - I find that Ravelry is everything I ever wanted in a knitting blog - I just have to fill in forms, upload photos - I don't have to be terribly creative and I can look at all of my knitting on one page. I love it, and I still haven't gotten around to doing the stash and the needles section. Hopefully soon.

In the meantime, our little family of three has been busy. I took a second job - meaning I will now work a whopping 20 hours a week. I'm honestly a little nervous about it. Yes, the little guy is nearly 5 months old, but I've spent so much time with him in those 5 months I'm worried about being away from him so much. I know it will be good for each of us and he can spend more time with Dave and get more comfortable doing his bedtime routine and other things with him. I'm excited about the new job, especially because it comes with a great deal on a gym membership. Working out is something I've completely dismissed since Aug was born, and I can't wait to get back into swimming regularly.

Dave has been working like mad in the garden, and I feel terrible I haven't posted photos. He's completed a lot of stuff that was on hold - the front fence, the porch project, the shed addition. He's begun on the fence in the back too, all while keeping up a massive vegetable and flower garden. The daily haul of tomatoes is enough to shock anyone, and he's now pulling in beans, eggplants, and a mess of herbs. Peppers are just around the corner - the jalapenos are already producing faster than we can eat, and the pumpkins are turning orange. I think I'll have my wish that one of Gus's first meals will be butternut squash from our backyard, and in the meantime we've enjoyed the broccoli and the raspberries. It's totally overwhelming how the garden has grown this year, and I know that Dave has done it all. At best, I've sat out in the yard with him. I'm so proud of how much work he has put into making our yard better than it has ever been.

Though Gus is not quite 5 months old, we've started feeding him cereal. He's showed an interest in food for a long time, watching us intently during meals. He is delighted with eating - he chomps down on the spoon and opens his mouth for more. Our only real struggle with the little guy is trying to get him to take a nap longer than 45 minutes (and we're reading "The No Cry Sleep Solution" in attempt to do exactly that). He still loathes the car and most rides are full of fussing or sometimes screaming. There's little we can do about that at this point - pretty frequently we need to put him in the car. We do our best to drive during nap times and to keep him entertained. Hopefully that will improve soon.

The little guy is waking up, so no more time for blogging. I hope to get back to regular posting at some point - maybe when he's 5?

FOURS

2008-08-07T09:12:00.006-05:00

Four days ago:
Four weeks ago:

Four months ago:

Four years ago:

Happy anniversary, Poppa Bear.

not much to say

2008-08-02T08:34:00.004-05:00

I apologize for the utter lack of posts. I've still been updating my ravelry page (plumsinbloom is my handle) and working and playing outside. No time for blobbing!

I feel like the little guy has turned another corner in babyhood, leaving that quiet, mild mannered newborn behind. Now every time I turn my back, he's got a handful of grass in his mouth or he's fussing because he bonked his head rolling over too fast. He's an active little monkey, and it sure seems like crawling and sitting up are right around the corner. For most of his 3rd and 4th months he drooled like crazy and we were sure he was teething. Now the drooling has let up a little, and no teeth yet. He's still sleeping like an angel, but a little less than before. He goes to bed around 9 these days and has been getting up at 5. I know that still constitutes sleeping through the night, but we don't get as much of a break in the evening as we had grown used to.

We left him alone in the evening for the first time last week and went to dinner and a movie. Kind of a conventional date and not what we might usually do on "date night," but it was fun nonetheless. I don't know when we'll do it again, honestly I missed him a little bit while we were eating dinner. I know he squeals and makes it hard to have a conversation, and he wants to be put down then picked up then put down, but this was really the first time we've been away from him when one of us wasn't at work and it honestly felt a little weird. While he's still this little it's easy to take him with us to restaurants. Our 4th wedding anniversary is this week, and I'm hoping we go over to Gandhi Mahal to celebrate. The food was fantastic the first time we tried it, and we're dying to go back.

I promise to try to be better about posting. But no guarantees.

hi, I'm new here

2008-07-28T11:05:00.002-05:00

Sorry for not posting much. We're back from our wonderful trip, and have been updating photos like crazy at gusmonster. I've been meaning to do an update here too, but all of my internet time has been devoted to ravelry recently. I'm finally catching up with everyone else and I got my invite while we were out of town.

I love, love love this new toy, and I haven't had a chance to put up nearly as many photos of projects as I would like - and I haven't even started on the stash section. I've just been going through my completed projects and lining up new things in my queue. Once I get the rest of my photos up, regular posting will resume - I hope!

been busy

2008-07-21T20:53:00.002-05:00

Seeing the sights, walking around - we been busy kids. More posts soon, we're flying home soon!

FO: Baby Surprise Jacket

2008-07-17T09:37:00.003-05:00

Pattern: Elizabeth Zimmerman's Baby Surprise Jacket
Yarn: Lanaloft sports weight in Precious Stones
Needles: Takumi Clover US 5 24" circular
Modifications: none
What a fun, quick knit. Most people know this pattern, and it deserves it's popularity. It's construction is so clever, the seaming is so easy, and the stripes are neat.

I loved the yarn I chose, though it wasn't what I originally had in mind. The color is a deep green, with stripes of gold and purple. I love the mismatched buttons I chose, but again, not what I originally had in mind.
The two main problems I had was that 1. I ran out of yarn 2 ridges from the end of the pattern. I thought about buying another skein, and I searched my stash for something that would make a nice complementing border. Nothing worked, and out of impatience I gave up and bound off. I think it works, but it compounds problem number 2: it's too small for August. Way too small. This maybe would have fit him a month and a half ago, but there's not a chance now.

That's actually good, though. I can go back and get the yarn I originally wanted for the project but that was too bulky. I can knit it up in time for fall, and he will have a perfect blue striped sweater just as the weather gets cold.
And this little beauty will come east with me, and will be a gift for our friends, Laura and Dave - who are expecting a little boy any day.

pupper of the week

2008-07-16T21:41:00.002-05:00

My, my. How do you like that? The pupper is famous!

surprise!

2008-07-16T21:17:00.005-05:00

Presto! Change-o!
Baby Surprise Jacket knitting is done! More photos once the shoulders are sewn and the buttons are attached. The only problem....is that it doesn't fit my baby. I had no idea what size it would be and wasn't trying for gauge, so it's really my own fault. I'll try to put it on him tomorrow when he's awake, but for now I don't think there's any way this will fit him. Harumph.

Oh well - we have friends expecting a little boy any day. I hope he likes green!

Oh, and yay for Catherine! Her little girl arrived - can't wait to see more photos, happy birthday Ameila!

what I've been doing

2008-07-16T08:52:00.004-05:00

I'm so sorry for the lack of posts. I think Dave is really my only regular reader, so he knows that we've been busy. For the 1 or 2 of the rest of you, I want you to know I have not been sitting on my butt, twiddling my thumbs. I've been

finishing up that BSJ
waiting (WAITing....WAITING) for Catherine to go ahead and have that little girl already!
preparing for our trip to the east coast this weekend
working
posting here
wrangling my little boy, who after nearly 6 weeks of sleeping through the night has thrown all schedules out the window.

I'm not sure if this is a growth spurt or teething, but the nights of going to bed at 8 and waking up at 6 are gone. He naps late in the day, stays up until midnight, and wakes up bright and early, sometimes before the sun. I'm sort of hoping 5 days in Virginia will shock him back into a sleep schedule, though I think it's more likely that it will screw him up even more. Bah, who needs sleep? I've got coffee!

pickle me beets

2008-07-07T21:20:00.006-05:00

I used to hold an opinion about beets. Beets were the food that nobody really ate. They were there in the grocery store, but you never saw anyone buying them. Beets? Ick.
Three things changed my opinion:
1. Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robins
2. Falafel at Abu Nader
3. Our friend Kristin - she made us a salad once with fresh steamed beets, and it was heavenly

Since changing my opinion and deciding that beets are indeed delicious, I was delighted when Dave planted a mess of them this year. They are beautiful plants, the greens are edible, and it would be our first foray into picking for the year.We were terribly surprised to find them already to harvest, with the biggest beets being as big or bigger than a fist. We pulled them all up this weekend.
And got right down to pickling. We followed internet instructions here and here.
We started by chopping off the greens (and saving them for a big salad later). And boiling up the beets with skins on.

After the beets were cooked,
We peeled off the stems and skins.
And heated up the beets with onions and pickling solution - we used apple cider vinegar, cloves, and cinnamon - I'm not sure what else.
Dave spooned the beets and onions into our heated jars.

Then used a ladle to fill them with the liquid.

He put the lids on.
And them lowered them into the boiling water to seal them.
(we learned a little about water displacement when he did this).
After boiling for half an hour, he pulled them out,
And left them to cool!
I took off for the yarn store after the excited part was completed, so he heard the lids pop while I was gone. I was very jealous, next time I'll stick around.

We'll keep these beauties on the shelf for 6 weeks, and then we'll try them. It's a shame we didn't taste it before we put them up because the whole house smelled delicious. Beet-y and vinegar-y, it was intoxicating. I can't wait to see how they turned out! Dave did a fantastic job (and the lion's share of the work). I can't wait to pickle and put up more foods this year - we're definitely doing cucumber pickles, plus maybe picked beans and canned tomatoes and sauces. Fun!

self portrait, with baby

2008-07-03T10:49:00.003-05:00

It's funny how having a baby transforms you. You expect the change, see it coming, plan for it - and still - it sweeps you off your feet. You try to listen to people when they warn you what it's like, but most of what people say is crap.

"You'll never get to go out anymore."
"Conversations with your spouse will only be about the baby."
"You can kiss all of your free time goodbye."

Oh, please. We never liked going out anyway; we've been looking for a good excuse to stay home since the dog grew out of puppyhood.

The real change, the one that matters, is the one that comes when you say "momma wants you to go to sleep" instead of "I want you to go to sleep." I try to keep myself from doing it, but I slip up often. I'm in third person now, not just a person - a concept. I'm somebody's mom.

The biggest surprise is that I'm no longer the most important person in my life. Maybe there's a similar transformation when you find your life partner - but this one is different. This little human relies on me for everything - food, shelter, love - while Dave was really sick, he told me that at one point he and Gus were in a doctor's waiting room, and Gus was upset. He didn't want to be in the stroller or the sling or wherever he was, and Dave had to walk around to keep him quiet. For those 5 minutes it took to calm him down, he was able to almost forget how sick and awful he felt. The number one thing he wanted to do was make the baby feel okay - and he felt sorry for having to bring him to the doctor's office in the first place. That change, that ability to forgo your own needs - that change from "I" to "we" is the one of the most surprising things about the last few months.

We're connected, li'l Gus and me and Dave. We're a trio, a little family of three. And that's pretty neat.

summing it up

2008-06-30T14:49:00.002-05:00

Once again, the yarn harlot just sums it all up for me:

"knitting is one of the only times in your life you can make something perfect, make it the way you want it and totally be the boss of the whole thing."

garden update

2008-06-29T21:17:00.002-05:00

I have done a lousy job keeping the blog updated with garden photos. Yesterday in the rain, I snapped a few shots. Who can resist lilies with raindrops?The first tomatoes are coming in nicely. These are a variety called Siberian.
Beets have been a ravishing success. Can't wait to pickle these beauties:
Nothing more delicious than peas right off the vine. I had my first taste this weekend, and these were as sweet as ever.
Nasturtiums are a new experiment this year. They are very other worldly - we were happy to see the first blooms.
Oh the greens. We missed out on spinach, arugala, and tat soi - they just bolted too quickly. We're still enjoying the romaine and the red romaine, as well as simpson's black seeded lettuce and bok choy. Here's one of the sections of red, with onions growing like crazy behind.
The garlic is doing that thing that garlic does. Scapes? Scopes? We have 3 varieties, and they've all shot out their beautiful little flower thingeys. We'll try these in an omelette tomorrow.
The bay plant is doing well. We hope to keep this one indoors and see if it'll live for a few years.
There are canna lilies all over the garden, and they are by far the showiest flower we have. They are tall, stately, and bright beautiful red. I think these ones by the composter will bloom first.
And now, the thing you've all been waiting for: Baby Gus in striped pajamas. I think this is pretty darn cute.

milestones

2008-06-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

August continues to meet growth and development milestones at an amazing pace. At least, it's amazing to me. I consciously avoid any websites and books that tell me when and how my baby should develop. I think that most of that will happen naturally, and if we're missing any big pieces, we'll find out at his medical checkups. I also plan to ignore all talk of percentiles, just for sanity's sake.

Most of my knowledge, therefore, comes from growing up helping my mom in her daycare (although I admit we read The Baby Book by Dr. Sears before the babe was born). Things like when he should roll over, when he should crawl, when he should teethe - those are just loose estimates in my head. He surprised me by rolling over almost a month ago - from back to belly, and he surprised me again this morning when he finally made that next leap - front to back. He was laying on a blanket in the kitchen while Dave and I were reading the paper, getting ready for the day. I peripherally knew he was on his belly (as per usual these days) and I heard a bump. I glanced down, and he was back on his back, looking confused as all get out. After a little fussing - he may have bumped his head a bit - he was pleased to roll back to his belly and chew on the blanket, content as he is on most mornings.

He gets his knees up under him, and he can scoot just a little forward. He can't coordinate knees and arms yet, so he scoots with his head against the ground. That seems like pre-crawling to me, and I'm excited that he's doing it already.

He drools more than the dog, often soaking the front of his romper. Gail, my lovely midwife, told me yesterday that he could easily be teething, and that he just won't cut that first one for awhile. Some babies are apparently born with teeth, so that thing about babies not getting them until 6 months, well that's just not always true. Her firstborn cut his first tooth in his 4th month, and she guesses that August may do the same.

And oh - my favorite milestone. He sleeps. He sleeps so well. It's been a full week now, and he has consistently gone to bed at the same time, and stayed there through the night. If he wakes up, he doesn't fuss or cry, and doesn't need to be fed. He sucks his fingers and goes back to sleep, with no help from Mom and Pop. He stays put in the morning, content to watch the shadows on the wall and the sheep mobile above him. I'm trying to keep to a 7am wake up, giving myself enough time to shower, get dressed, pump if I'm going to work, and have a little time with Dave before we get the little guy. Frequently he's up when we go to him, but he's not upset at all, just delighted to see us again.

I think that's the most surprising thing, how peaceful he is in the morning. I don't think most 3 month olds are happy to go 12 hours between meals, sleeping or waking, but happy just to be. My mother in law used to tell me that when Dave was a baby, he wouldn't cry in the crib -he just waited happily until someone came get him. She found it eerie, worrying that something was wrong with the baby who didn't cry. But there wasn't, he was just happy to entertain himself, the same then as he is now. I feel like that August is much like Dave in so many ways, and I hope this one carries him through life as it has his poppa.

the ivy

2008-06-24T08:45:00.003-05:00

Much of the household has suffered since Dave has been sick. He takes care of so many things - the pets, the cleaning, the garden. I'm mostly useless when I get home from work, but I have kept all 3 pets alive and done a decent job in the garden (I hope). The cleaning has gone out the window, even though I have managed to vacuum a few times. I forgot to sweep the kitchen floor, and this morning saw some ants marching in. Note to self - Dave also sweeps the kitchen daily!

Anyway, last night when I was watering things, I made sure to pay special attention to the Boston Ivy. This plant was our star purchase at the Friend's School Plant Sale, and it has already had a rough year. Due to many unavoidable obligations, it had to stay in its little plastic pot much longer than the rest of the plants from the sale. It was the last thing in the ground, and I think it was at least 2 weeks after we purchased it that Dave was finally able to take the time to make a nice space for it.

With his being sick, I was worried that this prized little plant would wither and die, so I've been careful to water it and check on it daily. Last night, I saw something cool.It has begun to climb the siding. Tenuous, yes, but it gives me hope just the same.

midwife gift 3 - pi shawl

2008-06-24T07:58:00.001-05:00

Oh pie shawl, how I adore thee.
I am not ashamed to say that this was the most difficult thing I have ever knit. It absolutely kicked my ass. It tested my patience, it tested my skill, and it nearly brought me to tears more than once. I cannot believe I finished this in one month. I devoted nearly every evening and every spare second to it (and though I don't have a lot of those) there was one evening where Dave mentioned that he had joined a support group for men whose wives are knitting the "big blue thing."

Pattern: Elizabeth Zimmerman's pi shawl from Knitter's Almanac
Yarn: Misti Alpaca
Needles: US 7, most of it on a 32" circular
Gauge: 4-5 sts per in, after blocking
The night before I met Gail for the first time, I sat down at the kitchen table and cried. I believe I was 17 weeks pregnant, and yes - there was a lot of crying in those first months - but I remember feeling terrified. I had a list of questions to ask these potential midwives, and I was a little overwhelmed by the prospect of giving birth in general, let alone giving birth at home. We met with Gail and Clare, and they answered all of our questions patiently. We talked about many things, including pregnancy and birth, but also life and family, hopes and values. As we were getting up to leave, I really wasn't sold. I wasn't sure this was the right thing for us, just not the right fit. Before I saw it coming, Gail caught me in a huge bear hug. It surprised me, since I'm generally not a hugger (especially with strangers). Calm washed over me, and I knew in that moment that everything was going to be okay. Just then, I felt that I trusted Gail completely.
That trust never wavered, and it was her that I relied on most heavily during my labor. She was the one I called when I felt my first contractions, she was the one I leaned on against on the wall when we were trying to change the baby's position, and she was the one who got me through that most awful night - Monday - when I was so sure that I wanted to give up. When we asked Clare and Emme to leave after 2 days of labor, it was Gail that we asked to stay. She didn't leave our house for nearly 3 days, and so far as I knew - she was happy to do it.

Dave and I joke that Gail is a modern day witch - that she knows things about the natural world that most folks would miss. Her knowledge of homeopathy was able to slow my labor that second night so I could get some rest. Even now, with Dave so sick - we asked the nurses at the clinic if the baby was at risk, and when they weren't sure, the first person I thought of to ask was Gail. She just knows things, somehow, and that makes me feel lucky to have known her.
And so, for Gail, a shawl. A shawl that was sooooo freaking complicated that I couldn't find the big, glaring mistake in the lace pattern. It grimaces out at me from these photos, and I only hope she won't notice. This was my first attempt at knitting lace, and I realize only now what an undertaking it was.
I don't think that Gail is a lacy-shawl wearing type of lady. In fact, she might be the exact opposite of a lacy-shawl wearing lady, but I don't care. I wanted something she could wrap around herself, something that would be soft, and would make her feel calm. That first hug was just the beginning, and over the months of my pregnancy and after, there were many hugs exchanged.

I think it is suitable that this shawl took my knitting to a higher level, and it taught me something about patience, about being too big for my britches, about biting off more than I can chew. I learned something very similar from Gail, and when I look back at that scared pregnant lady, crying at her kitchen table, I feel like there are decades between who I was then and who I am now. It was Gail who guided me across that bridge, from woman to mother, and for that - for all that she taught me - I am terribly, terrible grateful.

midwife gift 2 - felted bag

2008-06-22T19:40:00.005-05:00

Personally, I have never been a fan of felted items, but I thought a big, floppy, felted bag would suit Clare. I could never quite put my finger on her - she swung between totally professional and totally wacky. I remember last winter, after she saw Dave and I all suited up in our many knitted winter items, she took up her knitting needles and produced a number of fun, stripey scarves. I think this bag will complement them nicely.
Pattern: None, I just knit a big circle and ended with a 3 needle bind off, then attached handles.
Yarn: Plymouth Boku in two different colorways
Needles: My trusty old US 10 circulars
Gauge: I didn't measure before I felted, and I can't measure now.Clare was amazing during the birth. There were times when Dave and I were in our bedroom, working through the contractions. Clare would come in, and sit with her back against the wall and eyes closed. I could hear her breathing, and just her calm presence made me slow down, follow her breath, and relax a little bit. I remember that she made me the most delicious bowl of oatmeal I have ever eaten. I'm hungry just thinking about it.
Clare was the midwife I saw most while I was pregnant. There were times when my checkups were just with her, and she was also my yoga teacher so I saw her on a near weekly basis. I came to absolutely adore her, and I miss her fun smile and her goofy attitude. She made me laugh so many times when I thought I was beyond laughter, and I'm grateful to her for it.
I don't know for sure that she'll like this bag, but it turned out just the way I expected it to. It's sturdy and useful, and also fun. I wasn't sure I was going to line it with fabric, but when I started my new job and found out that Crafty Planet is just across the street, I couldn't help but pop in for 1/2 yard to finish this off. I like the contrast of the plain floral pattern inside, and I think it gives the finished bag a nice touch.

midwife gift 1 - socks

2008-06-22T19:14:00.003-05:00

3 midwives attended August's birth - well, technically 2 midwives and 1 a doula. In the weeks immediately afterward, I decided to knit them all gifts as a thank you for the spectacular job they did, both before, during, and after our little guy came into the world. Honestly, I owe these women so much that simple knitted gifts don't seem like they quite cut it.

I cannot believe it took me 3 full months to complete these 3 projects, but I had a lot less knitting time than I had anticipated. Who new a newborn would almost always require two hands?

Midwife gift 1 - socks!During one of the postpartum visits, our doula Emme mentioned how much she liked August's socks. He was wearing these ones, so I thought what better than to make her a pair for herself?
Pattern: I followed the basic sock recipe in Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's Knitting Rules!
Yarn: Lanett Superwash
Needles: US 2
Gauge: 8.5 sts to the in
Mods: Hm... I finished these in the middle of April and I do not honestly remember.

I think they're a pretty good replica of the original, and I hope she likes them. I no longer give socks to non-knitting friends, and Emme is a knitter herself. I don't think non-knitters realize how much work goes into a pair of hand knit socks, so there you have it.
I was kicking myself over how long this pair took me to knit, but that was long before I got to gift 2 and 3, and I realize now that a month for a pair of socks is nothing considering I was caring for our newborn at the same time.During my long labor, Emme was patient and present. Though I know I snapped at her a few times, she was never anything other than wonderful toward me, and I'm grateful for the help she provided during the labor. She was extremely helpful in the first week of Gus's life as well, making a few special trips to my house to help me get started nursing. She was lovely and patient, and I'm so thankful for all she did to help our little family.

secret

2008-06-20T08:48:00.003-05:00

I have a secret. I have to whipser it, because saying it out loud might jinx it:

he has slept through the night for the last three nights!

Now I know it's too much to hope for. I know that he will not continue to sleep through the night. I know that getting up in around 2 am is my lot in life, at least for the next few years. Honestly, I feel like I've sort of gotten used to it. But boy, it's nice. Ohhhh, so nice. I still got up and checked on him the last two nights, just be sure he was breathing. He has become devoted to sleeping on his tummy, and that bugs me. I flip him back over and pray that he doesn't wake up. So far, so good.

Now as soon as Dave starts feeling better (and sleeping through the night himself) we'll be the best rested family on the block. Keeping our fingers crossed!

this month

2008-06-18T08:28:00.004-05:00

This month, I learned that he can roll. With absolutely no concern for where he is. Couch? Table? Elevation be damned, he wants to roll.
I learned that he's better from back to front, and almost always rolls to his left.
Pumping isn't fun, but I think it could be worse.
The stroller is a reliable device to put him to sleep.
He likes the pets! Soon, tail pulling will commence.
He misses me when I'm gone, and he has a lot to say to me when I get back.
His frown is the exact same that mine was when I was his age.
He may be a terribly stubborn child. Maybe.

This is the first month where I think it all really began to click. We're moving out of baby boot camp, and into the glory days of babyhood. Just as the second 3 months of pregnancy began to get easier, I think this next three months will be much different than the first 3. August slept through the night for the first time last night, and I have never been happier to wake up at 5:30. My first instinct that was something was wrong. I did not, after all, wake up to him screaming. I crept over to the crib to check on him, and he had rolled onto his belly and was sucking on his fingers. I was so astonished to find him sleeping after 8 hours that instead of getting an extra hour myself, I took a shower, did the laundry, read the paper, and ate breakfast, all in peace. While I know he probably won't begin doing this every night for a little while, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and felt renewed hope that this summer will actually be pretty great.

The sickness of Dave continues, however, and trying to be at work while Dave suffers and takes care of Gus has been really hard. I left the baby with his grandma for the first time yesterday, and it was easier than I thought it would be. He behaved beautifully, and again, I see the light. I think he'll be spending more and more time with grandma, even after Dave is on the mend. I trust her so completely, and Gus loves being with her. I'm grateful that we have family in town to help us when we need it, and it's actually a little surprising that we haven't left him alone yet. We're fortunate in many ways, even though this past month has been hard. Summer has arrived and is in full swing, and I feel grateful to have a healthy, happy, playful little boy to spend it with. Ah, fambly.

photos

2008-06-16T08:19:00.005-05:00

I went into labor 3 months ago today. Can't believe it's already been this long.
It's time for official 3 month photos of the little guy, but I'm not willing to haul him into a photo studio and pay dearly for what I feel I may be able to do myself. At least, I think I can. Isn't that why we all have digital cameras? We had a little practice photo shoot in the yard this weekend, and if he hadn't been so giggly, trying the whole time to roll over and watch the leaves and the clouds, I would have had my shot. Even still, I think we did okay. We'll try again next time the sun is out.

best things

2008-06-14T14:23:00.002-05:00

While I was on maternity leave, I wasn't sure that changing jobs this spring was the right thing to do. Now that it's all said and done, though, I couldn't be happier. These last few weeks at the old job will be hard, especially since I'm training in the evenings, but today I got my first taste of what the new job will actually be like.

It's going to be great. I'm the only employee, so I can bring baby bear to work with me:

Plus, the office is in a storefront, next to a coffee shop and across from a yarn store. You can't beat that! And even better than bringing the baby to work and having him sleep most of the time - there's a huge ceiling fan, which he loves.I know the days where he'll be completely occupied by a ceiling fan are few, so I'm grateful for them now.

I think it's all gonna work out in the end. Just have to get Dave healthy and get past this little bump, right? By July, I'll be working 3 days a week, and gearing up for our trip back east. If we take it one day at a time, I think we might just make it.

getting by

2008-06-13T11:46:00.002-05:00

I fell asleep standing up today. Just for a second really. The elevator in my office building is ancient, and if you press the button at the same time as someone else, you could be waiting the better part of 10 minutes to get on. I leaned my head back against the wall and let my laptop bag sink to the floor. The next thing I knew, I was blinking awake to the soft ding as the car arrived. I pulled my sunglasses down, even though I was still indoors.

The ladies I work with cluck at me, "Oh, she's a new mom, she must be so tired." Affectionate and taunting at the same time. "You have no idea" I want to say, but don't have the energy to go into how awful this week has been.

Because I am wonder woman and think I can do everything, I didn't just return to my job this week. No no, I agreed to start training for my new job in the evenings. My day job kept me away for 7 hours each day, plus 2 or 3 hours in the evening on Tuesday and Thursday. That's not the worst part, though. Dave taking over at home coincided with a mysterious illness, which we now know to be mono. He has zero energy, and while the baby bear is missing me - the one thing that calms him is walking around. Poor Dave barely has the energy to stand, let alone pace the floors trying to calm master AP. Add to that an elbow injury, and for the last two days he can barely hold the kid at all.

The saying goes that the Lord won't hand you anything that you're not able to handle, but more and more I think that's crap. Each time we feel like our heads are above water, that there's finally some sunshine around the corner, life hands us one more sucker punch to the gut, leaving us gasping for air. Right now I've got my fingers crossed hoping that at some point in my past I had mono and I'm immune. Within a few weeks we'll find out, and as Dave's symptoms begin to subside (hopefully soon) mine may start to bring me down.

"This isn't the way it's supposed to be" I keep thinking to myself, and while I suppose that's the bargaining stage of grief, it feels more like anger. I wouldn't trade anything for the time with Gus that we've had - he's an amazing child, mostly cheerful all the time and so much fun to be around. But man, this is hard. Ugh. At least it's Friday. There's some peace on the horizon.

pupper of the week

2008-06-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

She curls up next to him for nap time, always keeping a safe distance. The family dog has suffered, it's true - but I think she likes the baby just as much as we do. Irene can adapt, she just does so reluctantly.

this little problem

2008-06-12T10:21:00.003-05:00

I have a small knitting problem. It involves brooklyn tweed. You see, every time he posts a new project, I fall completely in love with it and decide to knit it. Just recently, he posted the knitted garter stitch blanket. Even though I have at least 3 projects to finish before I will allow myself to start something new, I'm already picturing how this will keep us warm all winter long.

It was his pi shawl blanket that got me started on my own pi shawl, and I had originally planned to finish this shawl and start on a blanket just like his. The knitting was tricky though, and after 3 weeks I'm still 18 rows from the end. With each row 500+ stitches in lace weight, it takes me a good half hour to finish just one. I wanted to finish it by the weekend, though, so I could fix up the sweater that I made for Dave. He was supposed to get it for his birthday, and I actually finished sewing it all up the day prior. He tried it on, and it was a good 10 inches too long. I've got to rip back the fronts and back and reshape the armholes, something I promised would be complete by Fathers day. After that I want to do EZ's BSJ for my little guy, inspired again by brooklyn tweed - here.

Every garment he knits is so freaking gorgeous, that the problem isn't just in that I want to knit everything he posts. The problem is that he is a much more advanced knitter than I am, so while I get all excited and think each new project is the perfect project for me, I need to step back and realize - this guy has a talent I will never have.

Alas, I can click through his completed projects and dream, right? Now back to that gigantic shawl!

where he sleeps

2008-06-06T08:52:00.003-05:00

There is a lot of debate among some folks on where you're supposed to put your baby to sleep. I've felt a little conflicted about that, but am learning to get over what people thing you should do. Gus has slept with us in our bed or next to the bed for these first 2 and a half months of his life. I usually put him down next to us to start, and then between us after the first feeding. He falls asleep faster when he's in our bed, and at 2 am, that's what I'm most interested in. I don't sleep well with him in our bed, though, especially once he begins to half-wake. He snuggles up to me, and that usually involves flailing arms and repeated kicking. I've taken more than one kick to the boob, and I'm getting tired of waking up to someone pulling my hair. After our adventure to the fabric store this week, I made this:Baby bed extraordinaire. Now I'm the first to admit that I'm not much of a seamstress, but I think this turned out okay. I bought 3/4 yard of 2" foam, and used some leftover padding for the bumpers. The bumpers aren't actually meant to prevent him from going anywhere, in fact he rolled right over them this morning. They're more for decoration and to slow him down, so he can't get too far too fast.I think it turned out great, and he seems to like it just fine. It's softer than what he was sleeping on before, and I'm convinced that the reason he likes our bed better in the middle of the night is because our mattress is soft. I put him in it for naps too, so he's getting used to the idea.
It's nap time now, though, so I have to quit posting and start showering - soon he'll be awake!

House-a-versary

2008-05-27T11:20:00.002-05:00

In order to fully celebrate the 3rd anniversary of our home purchase, we, uh.... put in a new garden. I haven't taken any photos yet, but I guarantee it looks fabulous. Dave followed this method to get rid of the grass,and we moved our granite blocks that were formerly in the boulevard. Thanks to Andy, Nikki, and Kayla, Dave and I were able to get all we wanted done on Saturday before the rain came - of course, the rain never actually showed up, but we thought it was going to. It was nice to have some one else take charge of baby care for a little while. Photos soon!

What Dave isn't telling you

2008-05-20T08:15:00.008-05:00

Dave decided that blogging just isn't for him, so it's up to me to tell you what 's been going on in our garden. As I've mentioned, Dave has been home with Gus and I for the past two months. Besides helping me care for the baby, doing the grocery shopping, preparing most of our meals, and doing the majority of the laundry, he has been gardening. But he only gets time in between juggling the responsibilities he has for his family right now. Hardly any time at all, right?

And yet, he's installed a new shade garden:Parts of this garden were planted last year, but only this spring has it really begun to take shape.
He's got big plans for moss to start growing alongside all of these other beautiful plants.
He's started planting around the new shed we got last year. Not pictured - the new and improved pumpkin patch and the morning glories.
At the end of last season, he put in a second rain garden, full of native plants:
He's been working hard on the front garden, and it's starting to look really good:
He finally got a chance to fill in the railroad tie garden on the side of the house:
Oh, and then there's the vegetable gardens.
Aside from the 7 raised beds that he has planted or transplanted seedlings to,
I see tomatoes, bok choy, garlic, cucumbers, lettuce, peas, asparagus, beans,
arugula, sweet peppers, hot peppers, dill, caraway, eggplant, spinach, rosemary, squash, peppermint, and parsley, to start.
He has also established a new work space for tools, complete with a hose.
And he made a new space for potatoes and corn, and has been using the cold frame since we had such a cold spring.
I didn't mention the raspberry transplants or the boulevard garden, or the rain garden from a few years ago. The lot has been transformed from it's original state - full of weeds and weedy trees, patchy grass and virtually no flowers. From this:
To this:
And those photos don't even begin to capture the scale of the change.

It's an amazing garden, and an awesome yard. It's all a credit to him, my master gardener husband. Gus is going to grow up in a place where he can tell the difference between radishes and beets, tat soi and bok choy. He'll know where the carrots we eat come from, and his first food this fall will be heirloom butternut squash, grown here in our yard. That's pretty special, if you ask me.

I'll try to do a weekly garden post, to keep you apprised of the changes. It's hard to believe it's only the middle of May, and so much is already growing!

this month

2008-05-19T09:23:00.003-05:00

This month I learned that sleep deprivation is cumulative, and it will catch up with you.
I learned that I will be grateful for 5 hours of sleep when I get it, even though I never would have though of 5 hours as a "good night's sleep".
That hormones are weird.
That the desire to protect the baby bear is totally instinctual, and there are times when my mama bear instinct surprises even me.
That the happy gurgly sound he makes in the morning is the sweetest sound on earth.
That I don't miss work, not even a little bit.
That friends and family can surprise you even after you've known them your whole life.
That it doesn't really bother me when the dog licks the baby, so long as it isn't his face.
That even though he can't roll, he can squirm until he moves himself.

Life with baby Gus continues to amaze and humble me. This month his personality really began to show, and I can't wait until his baby googles have a little more meaning, and our conversations aren't so one sided. We make a point to spend at least an hour reading to him each day, and he's begun to really enjoy story time. I have to begin pumping soon, so in the next week he'll get to learn how to eat from a bottle. I'm very much looking forward to that, since it will give Dave the opportunity to take over even more of the baby care. Gus goes everywhere with us, usually in the sling. He can nearly hold his head up, so having him tummy to tummy in the sling works much better now. Today is Dave's first day back at work, and I miss him terribly. It has been so great having him here for the first two months with August . Now I feel like I have to start living life again, leaving the house regularly on my own. I'll get the hang of it soon, I'm sure. But this new phase will take some getting used to. For starters, I'm getting pretty good at typing with one hand. I have knitting projects to show off soon, thank-you gifts for my midwives.

Time goes so fast, I can't believe it's been two months already. Look at this little bug:

Pupper of the week

2008-05-15T09:07:00.002-05:00

Explanation here .

Mobile

2008-05-15T08:59:00.002-05:00

Dave and I finished the mobile for August. Dave has a better plan for it, so it isn't completely finished. For now, it moves okay, and at least the knitting part is done - 5 white sheep and 1 black. He wants to fix it up with a different construction, one that moves better.
In the meantime, Gus likes it, and it almost never fails to cheer him up while he's being changed. Attemps to catch baby smiles are a little blurry:

Answer

2008-05-13T09:36:00.001-05:00

"Momma, were you a crazy person when I was a baby?"
"No honey, but apparently I looked like a total hippie."

Plums in bloom

2008-05-09T13:35:00.005-05:00

The plum tree began to bloom today, reminding me that it's been a year since I started this here blog.
When I went back to look, though, I realized that the tree bloomed a few weeks earlier last year. I missed my official blog-o-versary.
Too bad. It's still been roughly a year, and I'm glad to say that I've kept a moderately good record of what this past year has been for us. The pregnancy, mostly, and the past two months with Gus. Dave doesn't think he'll continue to update his blog, so I hope to add more photos of the garden here for him to remember what he was working on.

Today, for example, was the Friends School Plant sale.

This is the second year that we've gone, but we were much better prepared this time.

Dave got a cart.
We stood in line for wristbands, and got in group number 3.The sale itself was chaos. There are something like 700 volunteers, thousands of shoppers, and what must be millions of plants.
I'd say we did pretty well, though. From the time we got in, we only spent about an hour shopping. We got tomatoes, eggplant, bok choy, lavender, thyme, rosemary, parsley, hot peppers, bay, begonias, coleus, boston ivy, and two juniper bushes.That's all I can identify from the photos. I know there's at least a few other things in there. All in all, it was a fun morning. Gus slept through the whole thing, and wasn't even cranky on our way home. We'll definitely go back next year.But we may start even earlier!

Yes, I have not posted

2008-04-29T14:26:00.004-05:00

I've been helping Dave with GusMonster instead of posting over here. Amazing how much fun you can have looking at 6 weeks of photos of your child. Especially the ones that make him look like a little alien.

last checkup

2008-04-25T09:39:00.004-05:00

We had our last checkup with the midwives yesterday afternoon, and it was sad to say goodbye. It isn't really goodbye yet since we will most certainly see them again, but it was the last official visit.

Baby Gus has grown! He's five weeks and 2 days, and his weight was 10 pounds 4 ounces, and his length was 23 inches, a full 2 inches more than when he was born! His head was also an inch larger. The ladies were so happy to see him and they think he's doing great. I'm working on thank you gifts for the midwives, and I've only completed one so far. I will pick up the yarn for the next one hopefully this weekend. I've got a baby project I'm trying to fit in between, and it's going slowly.

It was such a cool experience getting to know the midwives. Yesterday while talking with Catherine, I realized that while she was in labor with her gorgeous little boy there were times in the hospital when it was just her husband and her alone in their room, coping with the labor. It made me so grateful that I was never alone, not for a minute. I had my husband and one of the midwifes supporting me through the entire labor, long as it was. A few knitted gifts aren't really enough to say thank you for the hard work that the ladies did through my pregnancy, labor, birth, and post partum time. They were amazing, and I would highly recommend them to anyone who is interested in home birth. I will keep my fingers crossed that when Dave and I choose to have another baby, they'll still be working together and supporting birth at home.

Meanwhile: Dave and Gus have been working on something:
GUSMONSTER!

pupper of the week

2008-04-24T08:43:00.001-05:00

2008-04-23T13:35:00.002-05:00

I've been bugging Dave to take more photos of Gus and I together.

This one is pretty cute.

I think one thing that would help me with this new parenting thing would be blocking www.babycenter.com from my computer. As much as I enjoyed the vegetable comparisons while I was pregnant, it's no longer helping. This week's update told me that my baby will begin to sleep longer stretches at a time, 3 - 4 hours perhaps. Lies, all lies! Gus isn't sleeping more than 2 hours at a time, and he chooses one hour during the night to be wide awake. Sometimes it's 4 - 5 am, sometimes it's 5 -6, but last night it was 3 - 4. I really don't appreciate that. He wakes up ready to play. He doesn't fuss or cry, just wants to look around and talk. The only thing he really doesn't want to do is go back to sleep, so all attempts to rock or sing lullabies or turn off lights are met with protest. He just wants to be awake. It's nights like last night: he didn't go down until 11, was up for a 1 am feeding, a 3 am feeding after which he stayed awake until 4:30 and ate again, then slept until 6 when he woke up to eat. At 7 I gave up trying to put him back down, and just got up and had breakfast. He fell asleep during breakfast, and I went back to bed with him until 9. If only it was a little more predictable, it would be easier to handle.

Or if only I didn't believe babycenter when they tell me he could be sleeping for 4-5 hours. Ha!

Meanwhile, the weather has been fantastic, and Dave has the spring greens started.
Soon we'll be pulling fresh spinach, arugula, and tat soi directly from our back yard! Even on no sleep, you have to love days like this.

easy Monday

2008-04-21T16:02:00.002-05:00

We're taking it pretty easy here on Earth Day. Just glad the sun is shining.

this month

2008-04-19T13:05:00.003-05:00

This month, I have learned that newborns do, indeed, smile.
That it is possible to get poop on one's socks, and not be bothered by it.
That sleep deprivation really isn't that bad if you never get into a deep sleep.
The dog is more patient than I had ever imagined.
That the best time to knit is in the car, since I know how long I will have based on how far we're going.
That I don't miss being pregnant, and I hate all of my maternity clothes.
That my baby cannot mess his pants discreetly. He prefers to let the whole room know.
That there is a right and a wrong way to put on a cloth diaper, and I am more likely to do it wrong in the middle of the night.
That breastfeeding ain't so bad, once you get the hang of it.
Baths can be fun, once you're sharing them with a little monster who kicks his legs and splashes.

I think the most important thing I've learned, though, has more to do with Dave than it does with Gus. My love for Dave grew exponentially in the days after the birth, and it continues to grow. I feel so lucky to be married to a man who is so strong, so hard working, and so patient that he does all of the cooking, cleaning, gardening, and laundry without so much as a thought. He has absolutely put the needs of me and the baby before his own this past month, and I can't begin to tell him how grateful I am that he's been here to take care of us. I don't know how we would have got through this month without him, and I had no idea that I would love him more with each new day. I feel so blessed that we have a son and that we get to raise him together. This baby boy is going to have the best poppa in all the land, one who will teach him and show him worlds that no one else knows about. Thanks, Dave. You're amazing.

And so is this little butter bean.

what I haven't been doing

2008-04-18T15:56:00.003-05:00

I spend a lot of time on the couch these days. Not as much as I did while I was pregnant, but there are days when it feels like Gus is nursing every 10 minute, and I'm totally pinned down. Fortunately, there isn't much that I have to get done, so I don't mind sitting down to feed the babe. I think about those who do this with a toddler, though, and I wonder how they manage it.

I finally saw Juno yesterday, and I'm in love with this song. I wanted to buy it from iTunes, but you have to buy the whole album and I really just wanted the song.

I've been knitting socks as a thank you for our midwives, and I have 2 and 1/2 socks complete. They are two different sizes, so I'm knitting a 3rd sock to match the 2nd one - which is the right size. I'm thinking about keeping the first one I knit and just redoing it to fit me. They're red with lots of stripes, and I have no photos because I don't feel like waking the baby up so I can go get the camera.

After I finish the socks, I'm going to get to work on the sheep mobile Dave and I planned to make. I have to knit at least 6 sheep, and I don't have a pattern or an idea how to do it. Once I'm finished with that, I want to make 2 more gifts for the other 2 midwives, and then another Sheldon for a pregnant friend. I also would like to knit up some pants for the baby, since none of the pants we have fit him yet. I think by the time I get to that, not only will it be too warm for pants, but he will probably be fitting in the ones that we have. I thought I would have a lot more time for knitting, but as it turns out, I never have two hands free at the same time.

I'm still trying to write about the labor - I want to remember the best parts of it. When I first tried to write about it, I got really sad when thinking about Paul and I haven't gone back to it. I know there are things in my memory that are fading that I would like to remember, so I'll try to get to it.

pupper of the week

2008-04-17T08:51:00.001-05:00

I know a dog who is very happy that it's spring.

four weeks ago

2008-04-15T14:06:00.002-05:00

We met our little boy. Can't believe it's already been a month.

Things change so fast.

like a baby

2008-04-15T10:07:00.004-05:00

Gus slept like a baby last night, and I was so grateful. After a day of staying awake all day and no naps, I was grateful that even though he got up twice last night, he went right back down.

A few days ago, Dave and I went over to the Northern Sun and picked up some patches to sew on the onesies that we don't like. This one is pretty cute.

pupper of the week

2008-04-13T17:42:00.003-05:00

I apologize for the delay in pupper of the week postings. Things have been a little off schedule here, and I just haven't found the time. Irene has continued to weather this storm with us, and so far, she's holding up well. She'd like to have a little more sleep, but then - wouldn't we all?

Al's

2008-04-09T08:53:00.003-05:00

Gus had his first trip to Al's Breakfast today. There were many folks there excited to meet him. At one point, after I had finished eating I had him laying in front of me on the counter. He scrunched up his face and put his hands over his eyes, as if he was suddenly having a bad dream. I can see how lying on the counter at Al's would seem like a nightmare. Thankfully we visited Al's often while I was pregnant, so i don't think the assault of sounds bothered him too much.

Things are looking up today. I'm planning to take Gus to an API knitting group this morning, and we're going to try out the new sling I picked up yesterday at Peapods. It's another Kangaroo Korner adjustable pouch, meaning we now own 3 of these fabulous slings. The one I got yesterday is a cotton pouch, and we also have a nylon and a fleece one. Looks like we're covered for all seasons. I think the nylon one will get the most use, especially by Dave - he wore Gus for a few hours yesterday as he dug in the garden. I think it's awesome that he can work in the garden and talk to and hold the baby at the same time. Plus Gus gets to be warm and outside, and that's pretty cool too.

not fair

2008-04-08T08:53:00.002-05:00

A friend was recently holding the baby when it was time to go. "It's not fair," she said to me, "you get to hold him all you want, and all I get is a few hours at a time."

What I held back from saying was this. Not fair? Hm. 5 years ago, I met a wonderful man, fell in love, got married, and bought a house together. We decided to have a family, and we planned when and how. I got pregnant and for 9 months, I got to carry this little boy and experienced all the joys of pregnancy. Along with that joy, I got stretchmarks like flames stretching up my belly, hips, and boobs. I got heartburn, hemorrhoids, and sleepless nights. I avoided all sorts of vices and took better care of myself than I have in years. After that hard work, I got 2 and a half days of labor, and gave birth in what was certainly the most painful experience of my life. The last year of my life has been devoted to meeting this child, and it has changed who I was, who I am, and who I will someday be. He's three weeks old today, and the only thing that is unfair is that I ever have to give him up to someone else. Even for a second. I earned my right to hold him and snuggle him and not every want to give him up. The only time I feel normal is when he's in my arms. I didn't know I would feel this complete, this whole, once I met my baby boy. But I do, and I'm in love with him and in love with this feeling.

So I'm sorry to everyone when I take him back after you've only had him for a few minutes. I know you think I'm over protective, and that I'm hovering. I know I will have to learn to let go. But not yet. He's still so new, and he was a part of me until just three weeks ago. We're still juts getting to know each other, and we've both got a lot to learn and a lot to teach. I earned this togetherness, and I'm not letting go. Not yet.

all this time

2008-04-07T14:36:00.002-05:00

I want to have time to write, to process how I'm feeling. I want to take 5 minutes a day and write myself an email, just to check in. I thought I'd have the time to do that now, and had the baby sitting silently next to me on the couch. As he begins to hiccup, I realize that he's just spit up all over himself and the couch, and now I don't get my 5 minutes. Maybe tomorrow? There's no telling.

this life

2008-04-04T13:09:00.006-05:00

This life made easier by the fact that I am a new momma to one of the most gorgeous babies on earth. I swear, it's not just me.
I am so in love with this boy.

2 posts

2008-04-04T09:33:00.003-05:00

I have two unfinished posts sitting here, and no time to finish them. Gus demands food!

the old man

2008-04-02T10:01:00.002-05:00

Sometimes he looks like a very old man. As if he has all this wisdom, and he's just waiting to impart it on us.

in like a lion

2008-04-01T11:37:00.003-05:00

They say March comes in like a lion, and out like a lamb. I guess that doesn't always apply in Minnesota.

We got a few inches of snow yesterday, and though it's warm and feels like spring today, the yard is once more coated in white. I was wondering why the tulips hadn't shown up yet. I guess they know something I don't.

Winter can't last much longer. Soon enough,this little family needs to get out in the sunshine and explore the neighborhood. We don't mind a few more days chilling inside, though. Just staying in our pjs, taking it easy.

pupper of the week

2008-03-31T09:29:00.001-05:00

At some point, Irene became a couch dog. The rules all flew out the window somewhere around March 18. Photo by Dave.

blink

2008-03-30T21:24:00.004-05:00

I blink awake and see Dave, eyes just barely open, a smile on his face. For a moment we're in a time warp, and there's just us - smiling at each other in the afternoon light. A stolen nap, just the two of us curled together. The baby starts to fuss and we're drawn back into the present. Time speeds up and it's 11:00 before we have another chance to look at one another.

In the middle of the night, with Gus sucking away doing an alternating impression of Darth Vadar and a very determined but small piglet, I look over at Dave. He's asleep, his face is fixed in a scowl. I wonder if he's actually getting any rest, or if he's stuck in that half asleep/half awake state where we spend so much time.

This is so unfair. My husband, my super man, is so undeserving of this pain. He wanted babies 5 years ago, but he put his time line on hold and waited until I finally said "I'm ready." He went to every prenatal appointment, he made sure I ate extremely well through pregnancy, he walked me to yoga when I didn't want to go. He kept me motivated to go swimming on a regular basis. He was there for every minute of the labor. He didn't leave my side, even on the second night when he so badly needed sleep.

The only thing Dave had planned for the month of April was hanging out with baby and me. That's changed now. He's been cooking us food, doing all the laundry (including diapers on a daily basis) and getting up for midnight changings and feedings. He says he's not sleeping so he doesn't mind getting up, but I hate to wake him and try to be as quiet as possible - impossible with the snorting piglet. He's so worried about me, about my ability to cope with new motherhood at the same time as all this. I'm worried about him, that he's taken up so much with all his responsibility that he won't have a chance to bond with the kid-o and spend the time that he wants to spend when Gus is so little.

But then, there are moments like this one.

Moments where, despite everything, I know this little family is going to be amazing. And Gus is going to take us places we never would have dreamed. Dave is already a super dad, and he's only been doing it for two weeks. I'm so lucky I get to be a parent with him. He is amazing.

hardest yet

2008-03-28T08:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had so far. It felt like I wasn't able to stop crying for hours, on and off. Dave and I went down to his mother's house, and we brought Gus with us. It's so hard to get all packed up to leave the house, it's stressful to get in the car and leave the neighborhood. It was so difficult to be with Dave's family at his mom's house, feeling this emptiness where Paul used to be. He was always stopping by when we were there, so it was hard to know that he wasn't about to walk in the door.

Gus is doing great, nursing like a champ. I was telling him yesterday that we don't have to be okay yet. It's alright if we just hang out. hole up, and stay put for awhile. I have to keep telling myself he isn't even 2 weeks old yet. Most folks aren't doing half the things I've been doing. Dave wants me to take it easier, and he's right. I was having chest pain yesterday, and I've also been having severe headaches everyday. I keep trying to diagnose myself - is it just the stress? Is it the hormones? Am I not getting enough to eat? Is it because my sleep is interrupted? The truth is that it's probably all of those things, and they contribute to an overall feeling of ick. Today we're chilling in the bedroom, and I plan to sleep once he goes back to sleep. All the books say to do that, but none of the books take into account the death of a loved one two days before the birth of your baby. Nobody's written the book on that yet, so I'm forging new territory.

I feel like I have to be doing everything, taking care of everyone. We still have a stocked fridge thanks to friends, but little things like cleaning up and doing the laundry - I feel like I have to be in charge. Dave is great, he doesn't mind doing all of those things, but I don't want him to be any more stressed out than he has to be. I know I can't take care of everyone, but it's hard to feel helpless when your spouse needs you. It's the little things I can control, so it's those that I try to do. I'm renewing my attempt to take it easy though. At least until the babe is 2 weeks old.

what not to do

2008-03-26T10:39:00.005-05:00

We went to the doctor.

Yesterday, at the midwives one week check in for Gus, we noticed a rash under his arms. A rash with a sort of gross white discharge and a funky smell. They weren't sure exactly what it was, said it could be a yeast infection but it could also be something else, something bacteria related. They recommended we take him into the doctor.

We had chosen a pediatrician a few weeks ago and have an appointment for a newborn check up next week, but that doctor wasn't available. Instead, we went with whatever doctor would see us.

This was the first time Gus traveled in the car, more than 2 blocks from our house. We got everything ready, packed up the diaper bag, figured out the car seat, and drove downtown to the HFA Pediatric clinic. The visit itself was okay, sort of. Dave counted the number of seconds before I was interrupted (15!) and the doctor sort of listened to us and then diagnosed a yeast infection and told us she'd prescribe some ointment. Then she asked which pharmacy we'd prefer. We thought about the one close to our home, but she recommended the HCMC pharmacy, since it was so close. We said fine, and planned to walk over there.

I'm not sure what this woman was thinking, but taking a 7 day old baby into one of the busiest pharmacies in the world right before closing time was a bad bad bad idea. It was jammed full, with tons of people waiting and tvs blaring. Crazies hanging out by the elevator, talking to themselves, security guards keeping the whole scene in check. We waited in a line for 20 minutes, only to get to the front and find out we were in the wrong line. They gave us a number and told us it would appear on the board. We waited another 10 minutes for the number to come up, and then gave up and came home. We decided to treat his armpits with a cider vinegar wash, and transfer the prescription to Walgreen's in the morning.

The rash looks much better today, but Dave and I are still reeling a little bit from the whole experience. I'm not sure if we'll go back to the clinic, since once we got to the car we saw that someone had hit the side panel while we were gone. All in all not a very rewarding experience.

one week

2008-03-25T09:04:00.004-05:00

Another unoriginal hat, this one a little smaller than the first two.
Winter is still hanging on, so I thought I'd have time to put this together before the snow completely melts. Nothing like a family of matching hats.
And nothing like a beautiful sleeping baby.

one breath

2008-03-24T08:11:00.002-05:00

We're laughing, rolling on the floor, telling the story of the time Dave and Paul were chased by a UFO off of a frozen lake at night when they were just kids, and in the next breath I'm sobbing, thinking about Paul last Christmas, teasing Andy for not being tough enough to keep tromping up the sledding hill.

I had no idea that my heart could be so full of joy for the little person who's sitting in my lap. I keep telling Dave that I didn't realize I was a puzzle, and then a piece fell into place and it was like it had been missing my whole life.

I had no idea that my heard could be full of so much pain at the same time. There are times when I can't even picture Paul's face, the agony of it just takes over and I'm wracked with sobs.

I tell people that we're taking it one day, one hour, one breath at a time. I'm barely doing that, though. Friends have been so amazing, bringing food and coming to visit - it fills the empty spaces and when I'm on my best behavior it's easier to push the grief to the back and celebrate the happiness that is baby Gus. He is so much happiness. He's beautiful, he's healthy, he feeds like a champ and sometimes breathes like Darth Vader. We're going to make it through this, the three of us together. Sometimes it's just so hard to see what the next step is.

Dave is back at work today, and I'm doing really well. Gus and I had an awesome sleep last night, mostly 3 hour chunks at a time. I'm worried about Dave, though. Out there with all the strangers who have no idea how much pain he's in, so they don't know to be careful and sensitive with their words. At least here, at home, the only people I have to see are the ones I let in the door, so I know they'll be gentle.

One day at a time, though. Today's Monday. I don't have to get through Saturday today. Just Monday. And I have a sweet smelling little munchkin to help me.